To quote the rapper Mace, who unlike Ricky Martin is living la vida without the loca, “Welcome back.”

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Although the joy of getting back to home sweet Ames might be helping you forget the cubicle, mall kiosk or high school friend’s basement that you spent the summer in, it doesn’t mean that you’ve got everything figured out.

Sure you’re back at college, you’ve got a pocket full of student loan money and your beautiful tan from the heat lamps at your Burger King “internship” is roping in plenty of new friends. But you probably also have some burning questions.

That’s where this column comes in.

Whether we need to take a trip down short-term memory lane or look into the future, you can be sure all sports-related queries will be addressed rapidly and with little to no research.

Today, I’ll be your sports Alex Trebek and Ken Jennings, so let’s dive right in.

Q. Let’s talk Cyclones. Just how good is the ISU football team going to be this year?

A. Its favorable schedule (no Oklahoma or Texas) might compensate for inexperience, but it may be too early to tell.

Q. But how much will not having Jason Berryman hurt the Cyclones this season?

A. Tremendously. But that’s what happens when your team leader in tackles is also your team leader in stolen cell phone arrests.

Q. Is there anything better than late-night Olympic coverage?

A. If so, I’m not aware of it. The days of coming back from the bar, dropping onto the couch and watching through glazing eyes as Infomercial Esteban tries to hawk his cheap guitars are over (at least until the curtain drops on the closing ceremonies). Thanks to the fine folks at NBC, we can now watch at almost any hour as America does what it does best — rule the track and aquatic center with an iron fist. God bless America.

Q. Also related to the Olympics, has there been anything more disappointing than the USA Basketball pseudo-Dream Team?

A. Maybe Pearl Harbor. It made no sense that the team was formed without any outside shooters. It made even less sense that the team was assembled without a true point guard. But it was downright outrageous that Stephon Marbury, Shawn Marion, and a crew of other selfish and overpaid All-NBA fourth teamers were handpicked to lead a team that was assembled with the sole purpose of winning games. That’s a slap in the face to every American who would rather watch fundamental basketball than And1 streetball. These guys can’t lead or win.

They can only make cameos in rap videos and get tattooed. And those won’t be Olympic sports until 2012.

Q. Let’s talk professional sports for a moment. When the seemingly inevitable NHL work stoppage strikes next season, will anyone really care?

A. You better believe it. It’ll only take about a week without hockey before the first Jim Beam-addled, Eminem-worshipping Red Wings fan hits the Joe Louis Arena parking lot, circling, screaming “someone drop the puck,” with his windows down and his blood pressure up.

Q. Speaking of fans with reasons to hate life, are the Boston Red Sox really cursed?

A. It certainly appears so. The only confirmed curses were the ones that came pouring out of Sox fans’ mouths after learning that perennial all-star and one-name BoSox icon Nomar was traded to the Cubs for two players hitting a combined .246. As if it weren’t bad enough already that Bostonians already had to share their fair city with Godsmack and Ben Affleck.

Q. Does this mean that the Cubs finally have enough firepower to get over the hump and make it to the World Series?

A. Watching Sammy Sosa misplay ball after ball in right field makes me want to set myself on fire. So no.

Q. On to more pressing issues. As far as summer sports movies go, just how good was the epic clash of “Alien vs. Predator?”

A. What can you really say about “Alien vs. Predator” (or AVP for those of you in the know) other than that it’s the funniest movie of the year? We’re talking Travolta in “Battlefield Earth” funny.