Yes, we’re all anxious to see Britney Spears shake her two scoops of talent Thursday on the MTV Movie Awards in an entirely different see-through jumpsuit. But we must remain patient. It is in our best interest that these things, like the federal Sept. 11 report, be sanitized for our protection, lest the stream of product placement and poorly veiled pseudo-pornographic performances be interrupted by anything resembling political thought or meaningful social commentary.

Happily, though, it seems this year’s organizers have stretched the format of the show, appealing now to both idiots and pedophiles. It’s a brave new world.

Our informants, hidden safely away throughout the spectacle deep in the Daily satellite office located in Queen Latifah’s cleavage, reported that Lindsay Lohan, who is apparently in a movie or something, performed a sexy dance before two actors playing her disgusted parents.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with doing a sexy dance in front of your parents. God knows how many of you out there have done the same. But Lohan is all of 17 years old, an age where she should rightfully be too ashamed of her body to be showing it to anyone.

The trend of showing younger and younger girls, their dignity all but ripped away like a breast cup in a wardrobe malfunction, grinding on stage before a nationwide audience is slightly disturbing, ranking on the inappropriateness scale somewhere near seeing the pope in nipple tassels. One is left feeling depressed and dirty, shaking one’s head and muttering, “This wouldn’t have happened if Ronnie was still here.”

But Lohan’s pelvis wasn’t the only thing making the rounds Saturday. Uma Thurman, still riding the wave of triumph from her work as Poison Ivy in the 1997 S&M bondage flick “Batman and Robin,” won best female performance for “Kill Bill: Volume 1,” a justly deserved award, assuming that no other woman made movies this year.

She took the stage to claim the award, straining her talent to act as if she were honored, and thanked Quentin Tarantino for being a creepy little mincer. Or a talented director. One of the two. Anyway.

No family entertainment experience would be complete without hot girl-on-girl action, and the MTV awards were no exception. After winning an award for best kiss in Starsky & Hutch (which I haven’t seen, but am told is a moving, emotional film detailing the efforts of a young man to find freedom and love amid the terror of Stalin-era Russia), Carmen Electra, long considered an actress of an unequivocal caliber, kissed Paris Hilton, who is no longer pretending to be anything but a highly bankrolled bar slut. The kiss, we’re told, was brief, nowhere near the quality of the Spears/Madonna/Aguilera exchange of last year, but the imagination of the show’s 14-year-old male demographic should be able to provide the rest via the power of imagination.

Perhaps the high point of the evening came when, as a surprise, the ceremony became a loving tribute to the films of Akira Kurosawa, the auteur behind many of the most stunning and moving images ever captured on film. Speaking of the influence the departed director has left upon the world of movie making, presenter Martin Scorsese was visibly shaken, tears rolling down his cheeks as he spoke to a hushed, awed crowd.

Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. I was thinking of the Breakthrough Female award given to Lohan for “Freaky Friday.” Same spirit, though, really.

The six members of the rap group D12 were also on hand to protest the lack of math skills (sorry, skillz) among rappers.

I’m sorry, I know D12 is supposed to be cool right now, but the group’s name is dumb beyond all redemption, ranking right up there with “Quiet Riot.” I know I’ve never been “down with the street,” but for three months I thought they were a traveling band of those “education through fun” people who were promoting vitamin use through vulgar and abusive language.

What other treats are in store for us at the MTV Movie Awards? Will Eminem do something outrageous?

Well, yes. Naturally. That’s what Eminem does, frankly. He’s like Super Dave Osborn with less reliance on jet-cycles.

For the rest, you’ll have to watch.