Summer is here, and with it comes the two polar ends of swimwear: the bikini and the Speedo. The former garment is a paragon of artistic talent, a culmination of all fashion efforts to find the most glorious appraisal of the female form. The latter is a bane upon the face of mankind, threatening to rock the very foundations of society from its roots.

Bikinis, like high heels, lingerie and the Wonderbra, are not just articles of clothing. They are proof positive that God is in fact a man, and that He delights in the emotional pain of women. If you’re a woman who happens to hate bikinis, just be glad that there aren’t worse things in fashion for women, like corsets.

There are, naturally, rules for wearing bikinis and Speedos. The first rule is quite simple; always wear bikinis and never wear Speedos.

The second rule is that there, of course, must be some body of water nearby. This can pose a problem here in Iowa as it did outside Chicago with no ocean nearby as an excuse. I know you’re thinking, “But what about Lake Michigan? Surely you could swim in there!” That is true if you want to go bobbing for syringes in brown water.

That leaves swimming pools, small lakes, ponds and rivers. But don’t let a lack of water stop you from running around in a bikini giggling and laughing. In fact, if you’re not in the mood to run around giggling and laughing, what are you doing wearing a bikini?

Now, for Speedos, it seems water isn’t necessary because the kind of man who wears a Speedo would be so attracted to himself that he would wear it around the house like a bathrobe. That way he could catch glances of himself in the mirror with sunglasses on and give himself a high-five and a thumbs-up before he heads out. These guys have “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees and that one scene from “Risky Business” playing in their heads at all times.

Rule No. 3 for bikinis is that every woman should know her limit. I don’t say these kinds of things to be mean; I have plenty of parts on my body that are best hidden.

However, women should realize that there is only so much mass those little string bikinis were meant to handle. When you struggle your plus-size figure into a thong, it makes the straps look like those bungie cords your dad used to strap down last year’s Christmas tree to his pickup truck.

At times like those, it is good to remember that all clothing should be comfortable, and that like religion and civility, bikinis just aren’t for everyone. Besides, nobody wants to walk around the beach looking like a barely contained explosion.

With Speedos all men should know their limit, and that limitation is Speedos. Men were never meant to wear anything that revealing. We are supposed to be clothed or naked; those are the two choices. Speedos awkwardly straddle that fence.

Think of the children when you consider putting that thing on. Would your son or future son be comfortable seeing Dad waddle around the pool like that? I don’t think so.

Also, a girl has never in the history of the world thrown in the phrase, “Oh, and he looked so hot wearing this little Speedo!” in a description to her friend.

What do all these rules really come down to defining? Confidence is attractive to both men and women. That is because beauty, believe it or not, is not an attribute or an aspect, but has always been an effect.

Behind every strutting “swinger” in a Speedo is a scared little man afraid that if he hides all that manhood behind trunks or shorts he won’t find the woman of his dreams and he’ll be lonely.

All that flair might be attractive confidence to women if it weren’t transparently veiled fear, like a tiny dog that barks all day.

Women in our society, on the other hand, are constantly attacked about the shape of their body from all sides. Therefore, actually having the guts to reveal that body in a bikini amidst screams and pointing fingers is sometimes an act of true daring.

Does that mean every woman has to wear a bikini to be confident and therefore attractive? No, but it sure sounds like a good place to start.