Summer is here despite the manic-depressive weather Ames experiences during May. With the summer season come benefits: bikinis, vacations, sunshine and, of course, Hawaiian shirts.

Hawaiian shirts have evolved from a tourist novelty, to a casual Friday uniform at the office, to a college student party standard. You won’t be able to get through the summer without seeing at least one guy rock out with the Hawaiian shirt, so it is time we talked about the rules of wearing one.

Now, despite what you may think, there are many unwritten rules about wearing Hawaiian shirts. You can’t just throw one on whenever you like. The first rule is there are certain times and places for wearing a Hawaiian shirt. They should not be worn at funerals, weddings, graduations, board meetings, bar mitzvahs, churches, bridal showers or to job interviews.

The typical result of violating rule number one is disapproving looks from normally dressed people and pitying looks from people over 65. The worst-case scenario is you might be escorted from the premises, or forced to remove the offensive shirt. If you’re unsure about where a Hawaiian shirt might be inappropriate, just ask yourself, “Will I be looked at strangely if I burp loud enough for other people to hear?” If the answer is yes, maybe you should consider getting a tie.

That is a simple rule for where a Hawaiian shirt can be worn without receiving harsh looks. The second rule is that a Hawaiian shirt can be worn at any event or place where there is some possibility of dancing; so long as that place is not among the places mentioned in rule one.

The rationale behind rule number two is Hawaiian shirts, due to their flamboyant patterns and colors, are party shirts. And what kind of a party doesn’t have some slim chance of people dancing?

That leads us to rule number three. Hawaiian shirts, regardless of precedent, can be worn anytime around people that are drinking. This goes hand in hand with rule number two.

Let’s say you’re at a party where everyone is drinking, yet there are no girls around and all the guys are heterosexual. Does that mean you can’t rock the flowers? History has shown that even in the absence of any possibility of dancing, so long as the booze is flowing, the Hawaiian shirts may be worn in confidence.

Who knows, wearing a Hawaiian shirt into that traditional Irish bar might even get you a few new friends.

Once you’re comfortable that you are in a proper time and place to rock the shirt, the age-old question remains, “How does one wear such a shirt without offending?” There have been three ways to wear a Hawaiian shirt: buttoned to the top, generously open at the neck, and completely open. The first choice is completely out.

If you’re so conservative that you must button the shirt all the way to the top, you’re not the kind of person we want wearing a Hawaiian shirt. It sends confusing messages to people about your personality. The bright colors and fun flowers might say, “I’m here to party,” but the buttons say, “I have work at 7:30 a.m.”

So that leaves either open wide at the neck or open all the way. The safest choice is to leave the shirt partly open at the neck. This gives you some breathing room as to how much chest you’re willing to show to the world, and you can adjust accordingly to your current social situation. If you happen to be following rule number three, you might find that the gap opens itself wider as the night goes on.

Walking around with your Hawaiian shirt completely open and flapping about is an option open to only two kinds of people, and both of them are extremes. The first kind of person who can rock the wide open look is someone who is extremely physically fit. They have a “healthy” tan, a six-pack and usually don’t have much body hair. These guys are wearing it to show off for the ladies.

The other kind of man is a man who is pleasantly obese. He has a nicely rounded, fat belly that shakes generously with laughter, and usually has a cozy rug of chest hair. These guys are wearing it for the amusement of their fellow guys.

Anyone in-between these two extremes usually just looks weird with their half-way fit belly exposed to the party.

If you’re not getting ladies or getting laughs, leave it closed, man. In the world of Hawaiian shirts, there can be no lukewarm wearers.

Coming soon: The rules for bikinis and visors.