Warning: Although this column contains a timeline, it is in no way related to the horrendous 2003 movie “Timeline” that starred Paul Walker in a reprise role as that same really bad actor from “2 Fast 2 Furious.” It simply recounts the events that transpired on Sunday at Augusta National Golf Club during the 69th playing of the Masters. Thank you.

1:02 p.m. — Phil Mickelson steps onto the first tee of the Masters with a chance to win his first major. Instead of looking nervous or intensely focused, Mickelson has a knowing smile on his face.

1:25 p.m. — After chipping in from just off the front of the green on the first hole, Bernhard Langer excitedly takes off his visor and spikes it on the turf. Had Langer been subject to the NFL’s new rule aimed at curbing celebration, he would have been forced to tee off from 15 yards behind the next tee box.

1:45 p.m. — CBS analyst David Feherty refers to Augusta’s treacherous greens as “the most uncomfortable place in golf.” Rounding out the top three most uncomfortable places in golf were standing behind John Daly in a keg line and sitting next to the guy who screams, “Get in the hole!” immediately after every Tiger Woods swing.

2:12 p.m. — Mickelson records his third bogey in a four-hole stretch. Instead of throwing clubs or looking confused, Mickelson simply smiles some more. Fans begin to wonder if he is taking Prozac in excess of the recommended dosage.

3:09 p.m. — After holing a five-iron from 220 yards out on the 11th hole, K.J. Choi jumps up, pumps his fist and does everything short of running up to his playing partner Ernie Els yelling “You got served!” to celebrate.

3:10 p.m. — CBS announcer Bobby Clampett marvels that, “With one swing of the bat, K.J. Choi is back in the thick of things.” Producers send Clampett a memo saying that the things golfers swing are called clubs, and he is no longer allowed to listen to Braves games on the radio while he’s broadcasting.

3:25 p.m. — Sergio Garcia finishes a remarkable round that included a stretch where he had seven birdies and an eagle in 12 holes. That’s roughly one birdie for every 15 minutes Garcia spent standing over the ball waggling.

3:37 p.m. — Davis Love III hits a putt off the slippery 16th green that causes an embarrassed look to creep onto his face. He is comforted when he realizes that while he won’t win the green jacket this year, he will retain his title as the pro athlete with the most feminine walk.

3:40 p.m. — Annika Sorenstam announces that an ankle injury will prevent her from having a walkoff with Love, forcing her to concede the aforementioned title.

3:53 p.m. — Padraig Harrington scores a hole-in-one on the 16th hole, causing Dick Enberg to say, “They are dancing in the pubs of Dublin,” causing several Irish pub-goers to glance at each other awkwardly and continue drinking.

4:06 p.m. — Kirk Triplett also scores a hole-in-one on the 16th, causing one Masters patron to turn to those near him and say, “The 16th hole is getting aced more often than Stevie Wonder at Wimbledon.” No one laughs.

4:07 p.m. — The camera shifts back and forth between Mickelson and Els, playing up the battle for the Masters title as being reminiscent of an epic heavyweight title bout. That is, if epic heavyweight title bouts featured middle-aged men dressed in polos and khakis.

4:08 p.m. — Feherty reacts completely prematurely to a good Ernie Els chip on 15 by announcing, “He’s got the green jacket by the collar.”

4:37 p.m. — Phil Mickelson holes a 20-foot birdie putt to pull even with Els with two holes to play. And he’s still smiling.

5:05 p.m. — Mickelson curls in an 18-foot birdie putt on the final hole to win the tournament. He then jumps high enough to buck the monkey the size of Koko the gorilla right off his back.

5:07 p.m. — The first movie script chronicling Phil Mickelson’s years of major championship struggles and his thrilling Masters victory is faxed to a Hollywood production company.

5:25 p.m. — After ending a string of heartbreaking losses in major championships that left him seeing red so many times, Phil Mickelson slips into his brand new jacket and finally ends up seeing green.