If Iowa Staters decide to use next weekend to take a break from rioting and participate in the more benign activity of channel surfing, they will no doubt come across coverage of this year’s NFL draft. Whether your team drafts Phillip Rivers or Joan Rivers, it should be comforting to know that you’ll be able to sit back, relax and watch non-stop draft coverage for the entire weekend.

But as impressive as the amount of TV coverage the draft gets is, the mind-boggling amount of research and analysis that’s done to forecast the draft results might even overshadow it.

Mel Kiper and his draft expert cronies can recite the 40-yard dash time and shoe size of the fourth best defensive back to play in the SEC last season. They can also tell you the 13th best quarterback in the country has a tendency to throw off his front foot when he moves out of the pocket. They also really need to get lives.

So in order to break from the norm of meticulous analysis and overzealous investigation, this draft forecast will not be based on research of any kind. So here are some predictions regarding the highlights from round one of this year’s draft …

1. The Giants trade up to bring down-home southern boy Eli Manning to the big city with the draft’s first pick. In doing so, the Giants will thrust Manning, whose idea of a big city is Jackson, Miss., into the biggest fish-out-of-water disaster since Paul Hogan hit the Big Apple in Crocodile Dundee. Luckily, with fellow Giants back-up quarterback and TV’s “The Bachelor” Jesse Palmer to get him familiarized with hair gel and gold-digging women, Peyton’s little brother will become a New Yorker in no time.

5. After rehiring past boss Joe Gibbs in an attempt to return to the glory days of their 1992 Super Bowl victory, the Washington Redskins try to draft 41-year-old Super Bowl XXVI Most Valuable Player Mark Rypien. When Rypien announces that he will not come out of retirement, Redskins billionaire owner Daniel Snyder turns his efforts toward drafting a time machine.

8. The Falcons pick Oregon State’s Steven Jackson, widely regarded as the top running back in the draft, to join Michael Vick in an explosive new backfield. The move backfires when an ill-advised marketing campaign promoting “The Michael & Jackson Show” causes frightened parents to stop bringing their children to Falcons games.

9. The U.S. Army sends an Abrams tank to Jacksonville in exchange for the ninth pick in the draft. With their pick, the Army challenges Kellen Winslow Jr. to back up his “I’m a soldier” tirade by actually enlisting. Winslow is next seen in Canada at the Toronto Argonauts spring game.

13. The Buffalo Bills draft Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s wardrobe expert Carson to make over their tacky new uniforms.

14. The Chicago Bears, after having flashbacks to stellar draft picks like Rashaan Salaam and Cade McNown, decide to save themselves the embarrassment and forfeit their pick.

20. As expected, the Miami Dolphins use their pick on Ohio State defensive end Will Smith. When the Dolphins welcome Smith to Miami, the excited former Buckeye tells reporters, “We all know that L.A. and Philly stay jiggy/ But on the sneak, Miami bringin’ heat for real.”

32. And finally, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, who is unable to differentiate between lanky wideouts Mike, Roy and Reggie Williams, simply announces “Williams,” and hopes for the best when making his team’s selection. The entire Northeast is disappointed when Robin Williams, who has good hands but lacks the deep threat speed the Patriots need, reports to training camp.

But regardless of which Williams goes where, this weekend’s draft should provide plenty of surprises and entertainment. So instead of getting crazy and hurling bricks, just put your feet up, have a cold one and watch the draft.

And for all of you gearing up to riot again next year, just pray that Welch Avenue Trading Post doesn’t draft Robert Gallery to wrap a lamp post around the neck of the first person to get near their windows.