There aren’t many things that make fans feel more optimistic about ISU sports teams than seeing the athletes training hard. Seeing the football team backpedaling and weaving through cones at 6:30 a.m. shows the team’s strong work ethic and a desire to improve. When the wrestlers leave practice so soaked with sweat that it looks like they just wrestled a fire hose instead of a teammate, it bodes well for the team’s chances at nationals. And when the track team circles the lower track at the Rec faster than an ISU student circles wine tasting on his desired schedule, it makes people optimistic that the season will turn out just fine.

In a similar vein, nothing instills confidence in ISU students’ chances for spring break success like seeing them train hard in the offseason. For college students, spring break is a full-contact sport that is not for the faint of heart or the unprepared. Just as a Cyclone gymnast wouldn’t take the beam without having practiced her routine and the fine art of not breaking her neck, it would be foolish for a college kid to show up in Cancun or South Padre without being in shape.

Luckily, ISU students are not about to go on spring break unprepared. Like athletes shedding blood, sweat and tears in the off-season, they’ve proven their commitment to spring break success by taking all the steps necessary to get ready for the big week.

In the long and arduous preparation process, the first step involves looking good. Guys and girls campus-wide have taken this to heart, buying the hippest new swimsuits and coming out of tanning booths looking more bronzed than Abe Lincoln on a 1984 penny. Getting the perfect body is also a high priority for students this time of year, which is the main reason why the Rec has been busier than Paris Hilton in front of a video camera for the past month. Guys are lined up three-deep waiting for benches and free weights to build those beach muscles, and time on the elliptical machines for girls trying to look good in a bathing suit is at a premium. While this type of effort should be applauded, a word of caution might be needed for the guys who are lifting enough weight to guarantee themselves either a Mr. Olympia title or a hernia by the time their plane lands in Panama City. You might look great, but it’s doubtful that the cutie from the Ivy League school will really notice that your calves are more toned than another guy’s after you have both had half a bottle of tequila poured down your throats and your heads shaken like paint in a mixer by a man in a mariachi costume.

But the preparations don’t stop with just looking good, as the true spring breaker will need more than a tight body to charm members of the opposite sex. Conversation skills, to be specific, will be needed to make this spring break a memorable one. And in impressive fashion, ISU students have been practicing the lines that will help them excel in the field of interpersonal communication. For example:

Male bar-goer says to female bar-goer: “I’m so wasted!”

Female bar-goer, excited that she has something in common with male bar-goer, shouts: “Oh my God! Me too!”

Male bar-goer and female bar-goer go home together to discuss what else they might have in common.

The well-rounded spring breaker has also learned plenty of choreographed dance moves to impress everyone at the beach party/foam party/insert-type-of-party-here party. Nights of dancing at Ames bars, at house parties and in a towel after getting out of the shower are encouraged to help polish these important skills. Whatever you do, just don’t be the guy who dances with his hands raised above his head or the girl still convinced that swing dancing is in (the last zoot suit riot was quelled when the Cherry Popping Daddies bottomed out in the late 1990s), and you’ll be fine.

But a spring breaker’s preparation is never really over. In order to be the best, vigilance is necessary. So dig out the VHS tapes labeled “MTV Spring Break 1992-1997” and study the game film to make sure you can win any contest and overcome any obstacle that might keep you from being the king or queen of spring break 2004. Get rested up. Stay hydrated. Eat right. And always remember these spring break words of wisdom: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.