Everyone knows someone who is a front-runner. This refers to the guy who wore a 49ers coat to recess during elementary school and posed for his junior high yearbook picture wearing a Troy Aikman jersey. This is the girl who claims to be a Wolverine fan and a Buckeye fan for life. This is the guy you wouldn’t be surprised to see sporting a beret and growing a mustache if Operation Iraqi Freedom had turned out a little differently. In short, this is the worst type of fan on the planet.

Sadly, this loathsome type of fan seems to be everywhere. A fresh crop of Yankees cap wearers has sprung up from seemingly nowhere during the last month, and people living in Iowa are wearing Duke jerseys and Hurricane football windbreakers in an effort to associate with winners. Midwesterners are even claiming to be Patriots fans as of late. But this isn’t the worst of it. For all the everyday, run-of-the-mill bandwagon jumpers out there, there is one type of fan that takes front-running to the extreme: the new Cubs fan.

The new Cubs fan is a Johnny-come-lately. The new Cubs fan has been a Braves fan, a Yankees fan and even a Blue Jays fan during the 1990s and wears a throwback Cubs jersey just because he saw it on a rap video. The new Cubs fan will probably become a Reds fan as soon as Ken Griffey Jr. stays off the disabled list for more than a month.

The new Cubs fan tells his friends that he likes this year’s additions to the team’s bullpen because he heard Peter Gammons say it to Harold Reynolds on ESPN. The new Cubs fan calls the National League strikeout king Kerry Woods and doesn’t know the difference between Miller Park and Busch Stadium. The new Cubs fan indicts Barry Bonds for barely fitting in the batter’s box without knowing that Sammy Sosa used to weigh a buck-85 and average nine home runs a year when he played for the White Sox.

The new Cubs fan likes the team because it’s the fashionable thing to do. He likes the novelty of rooting for the lovable loser but doesn’t know Andre Dawson from Richard Dawson. The new Cubs fan thinks a North Sider is a knockoff brand of boat shoes or a warm apple drink for people in Vancouver. The new Cubs fan thinks the Chicago second baseman who hit 40 homers in 1990 is named Ryan.

The new Cubs fan doesn’t remember Greg Maddux in anything but a Braves uniform and doesn’t know that Winston and RC Cola are Mark Grace’s cigarette and soda of choice. The new Cubs fan never heard a Cubs-Cardinals game called by Harry Caray and Jack Buck and doesn’t realize that hearing a Cubs-Cardinals game called by Chip Caray and Joe Buck is a poor substitute.

The new Cubs fan’s only exposure to Harry Caray was watching Will Ferrell wearing big glasses and talking about eating himself if he were a hot dog on Saturday Night Live. The new Cubs fan is no better than a Lakers fan. The new Cubs fan brings the commitment of long-suffering Cubs fans into question.

The new Cubs fan only remembers Don Zimmer as the Yankees bench coach who looks like Popeye and was decked by Pedro Martinez. The new Cubs fan doesn’t know Heathcliff Slocumb from Heathcliff Huxtable and doesn’t know that the 1989 season was almost as magical as the 2003 season.

In a word association exercise, when the psychologist says “ivy,” the new Cubs fan says “league.” The old Cubs fan says “Cubs.”

The new Cubs fan thinks the name Waveland sounds like a great name for a new subdivision. The new Cubs fan has never secretly hoped that Ozzie Smith would break his ankle when landing one of those showboat flips he did on his way out to shortstop. The new Cubs fan calls to ask how much the luxury boxes at Wrigley run for a weekend series and doesn’t know Jerome Walton from Bill Walton. The new Cubs fan talks about the 1998 season as being the good old days. The new Cubs fan uses 1908 as a punchline.

Most importantly, the new Cubs fan has never sat in the left-field bleachers at Wrigley Field on a perfect June afternoon with a beer in one hand and no shirt on, thinking to himself that there’s nowhere on earth he would rather be.

Hopefully, he will someday.