I just discovered something completely amazing. It seems that the local cable company is run by a pig. The pig acquired miles upon miles of cable, hired men to place them underground, above our heads, through our walls and of course, into our hearts.

Thank you, Dish Network, for exposing the truth about how “piggish” your competitor can be in a recent television commercial. But wait, you mean that everything found in commercials isn’t true, and my discovery isn’t actually a “scoop?” Man, journalism is hard.

So I suppose I can’t entirely believe the Mediacom commercials either? That’s good to hear, because I was getting bored with my “Satellite Installation” major I thought I would need to break away from the pig’s heavy-hooved grip.

After watching delegates from every major minority describe just how incredibly difficult it was to install a satellite in my home, I finally decided college was for me. Fortunately, now I can drop out and watch television. Or at least change majors.

Even though I’m now free to make my own choices, armed with clearly objective information, I’m left wondering what purpose there could possibly be in the cable vs. satellite wars. Both factions are more likely to anger current customers than to keep profits high while attracting new customers. Perhaps they are trying to use reverse psychology.

If so, Mediacom’s campaign success is going to be massive, as they have created the most heinous examples of obnoxious advertising of late.

Perhaps it isn’t fair to hold Mediacom to the same standard as the satellite companies when evaluating their marketing strategies, seeing as how Mediacom television commercials have also been burdened with the weight of explaining the dangers of stealing cable.

After all, someone had to let us know that stealing cable would bring our children to betray us at show and tell, make Bob Costas pity us, and cause us to lose every job we ever apply for ever. The warning must have cost 80 percent of the advertising budget alone, with the greatest writers available paid to come up with phrases like “silver-bullet technology.”

However, at least we now know that cable rustlers will be targeted as thoroughly as drug dealers. In addition, Mediacom cares. They tell you so in anti-drunk driving public service announcements surrounded by a border that says “Mediacom Cares.”

Instead of simply worrying about your children buying drugs from terrorists, gaining the respect of your parents by actually paying child support, or the dangers of driving drunk all for your own sake, you will also know that your decisions may inflict pain upon the nurturing teat of Mediacom.

Soon the blood-alcohol limit ad, a pitiful attempt to emulate a Puff Daddy video, will have been played so many times you’ll have memorized every lyric, even if you have no idea why someone thought the electric, 20-foot-tall point-oh-eight sign was the best use of the taxpayers’ money.

Yet, even if they employ locals, pay taxes, kiss babies and buy us all candy bars, Mediacom may still lose. Whereas Mediacom bludgeons the viewers with pro-cable, anti-anything-else messages, Dish Network and DirecTV appear to simply say “You’ve got money, we’ve got channels. Buy! Buy! Buy!”

Watching television on a satellite is now less expensive than through the average cable provider, according to J.D. Power and Associates’ 2003 Residential Cable/Satellite TV Customer Satisfaction Study.

Now that News Corporation has acquired DirectTV, which owns Fox News Channel and myriad other media outlets and which is run by Mr. Heavy Hooves himself, Rupert Murdoch, it seems unlikely that we’ll have any choice but to watch satellite in the near future.

I’m just counting the days until Bill O’Reilly makes an appearance on Friends to berate Phoebe and break up Monica and Chandler’s relationship in an extended advertisement.

Please, Mediacom and you rascals at the satellite providers, cut out the advertising and bickering. Spend the money improving your services and let us make our own choices. And to the legislators who let these companies buy each out so that competition was reduced to a two-way battle, I hope you remember what you helped create.