Any first-night freshman who has laid awake with heart racing and eyes fixed on a dorm room ceiling can tell you that being in an unfamiliar place can be unsettling. Many ISU students can attest to the fact that leaving home for a place where unfamiliar faces far outnumber friendly ones can make the butterflies in their stomachs seem like ospreys. In fact, anyone who owns a Bob Seger album or has seen little Macaulay Culkin get lost in “Home Alone 2” can deduce that being away from home can be traumatic for anyone, even a child star. Unfortunately, much like an ’80s hair band on “Behind the Music,” the Cyclone men’s basketball team has learned a painful lesson during the last three years about just how cruel life away from home can be.

The Cyclone men have yet to win a game outside the state of Iowa this season and have lost 20 straight conference matchups away from home-sweet-Hilton. The losing streak has spanned two coaches, $1,436 in tuition increases and 1,084 days. If the situation isn’t rectified soon, the streak could live to see two presidential administrations and entire undergraduate careers of ISU students. If Feb. 21 rolls around before the next Cyclone road win, three calendar years will have elapsed between conference road wins for the Cardinal and Gold.

The last conference away game the Cyclones won was in Manhattan, Kan, on Feb. 21, 2001, a day that will now live in infamy for Cyclone fans. To put things in perspective, Shane Power was a promising young Cyclone in 2001. Now Power plays for a Mississippi State team that is far south of Ames in terms of geography but far north of Iowa State in terms of national rankings, currently sitting at No. 6. In 2001, the Cyclones were a No. 2 seed in the NCAA tournament, fresh off an Elite Eight finish the season before. Now, the Cyclones are fighting for their NCAA tournament lives and trying to avoid another postseason NIT appearance.

In 2001, teenage girls were downloading *NSync’s new “Pop” video to catch a glimpse of Justin Timberlake’s dance moves. Now, teenage boys are downloading the Super Bowl halftime show to watch Justin Timberlake malfunction Janet Jackson’s wardrobe.

Because so much has changed since 2001 and the Cyclones have still not conquered their road woes, it seems that new alternatives need to be explored.

I’m not proposing that Wayne Morgan sneak Martin Rancik and Paul Shirley into games under assumed names to try to bolster the Cyclone front line. I’m not proposing that the team conveniently “forget” its red away uniforms on the next road trip and be forced to play in the home whites. I’m not even proposing that Iowa State should join the Big Ten to get some easy road victories. All I am suggesting is that a few minor changes be made to try to snap the losing streak before it goes much further. With a few minor arrangements, even the most godforsaken Big 12 cities (sorry, Waco) could seem just as attractive as Ames, and the road-weary Cyclones could soon be playing as if they never left home.

My first suggestion is to save a few seats on the team bus for Iowa State’s resident swans, Lancelot and Elaine. The two trumpeters might feel strange being away from home, but I’m sure they wouldn’t mind leaving the ice and cold behind to take a few trips down south each winter. Just fill up a bathtub at the Holiday Inn and you have yourself a makeshift Lake LaVerne that will make the players and the swans feel right at home. That should produce a few wins.

If the swans don’t turn out to be very good roommates during road trips, bringing different campus landmarks along for the ride is another valid option. Just shove one of those replica Campaniles or Jack Trice Stadiums that line Lincoln Way during homecoming week into the overhead compartment on the flight to Boulder, Colo., and set it up at the team shootaround. It would be like having Iowa State’s Central Campus right there in Colorado.

But why stop with bringing familiar places on the road with the team? Bringing ISU students along on road trips will provide a cheering section and a group of familiar faces that will make even Kansas’s Allen Fieldhouse seem just as cozy and familiar as Hilton Coliseum.

Morgan could save the team from having to eat at the Lincoln, Neb., Denny’s by bringing along 15 friendly ISU students equipped with cooking skills and those sharp ISU Dining polos. Some calculator-toting ISU engineers could take a trip over to the Hearnes Center in Columbia, Mo., under the guise of checking the specs on the rotary girders and end up cheering loud enough to drown out the Missouri Tiger fans and spur the Cyclones to a road victory. Some members of the ISU Rodeo club could take their boots, tight Wranglers and customized belt buckles down to Stillwater, Okla., to show those folks what Iowa cowboys are like. While they’re at it, they could root for the Cyclones against Oklahoma State. Maybe a squadron of uniformed ISU ROTC cadets could accompany the team to Lubbock, Texas to show “The General” Bobby Knight what real military discipline is like. While Knight is throwing chairs, the Cyclones will be picking up wins.

These are just some ideas to help the Cyclone basketballers get that proverbial monkey off their backs and get their first conference road win in years. My bold prediction for the week is that the streak will end right where it started when the Cyclone men go into Manhattan and come home with a win over K-State on Wednesday night. If it doesn’t happen then, it just might be time for ISU students to cage up some swans and hit the road.