I’m writing to thank you for your overwhelming support at the caucuses. I look forward to representing you as the next President of the United States.

When I began, or rather didn’t begin at all, I never dreamed that not actually running any sort of campaign would be the best way to receive 93 percent of the vote. Joe Lieberman was quite surprised by his standing in second place as well. But hey, I guess my complete lack of hard work paid off.

You may be wondering how I could be writing such a dead-on assessment of the caucus results hours upon hours before the caucuses actually begin. It was actually fairly simple after learning the way from “The Media.” Apparently, people out there are hired to run around asking people questions, then writing down the results. I like to ask questions, as well as answer them, so I asked myself whom I would like to see as president. It went like this: “Self, who do you want to be president, you handsome devil.” “Well, self, you’re not so bad yourself.”

I learned that it was not enough to simply announce that I had 100 percent of the vote. I had to include a “margin of error.” For those of you who don’t know, this number gives you the odds for the quadric-annual office presidential pool. Many of the latest polls have shown a margin of error in the range of 3 to 5 percent.

This is quite a lot when candidates are only .002 percent away from each other. So, if they can be wrong, I see no reason why I can’t just announce a 100 percent margin of error in my scientific poll, and call it a day. I say scientific, because that signifies that I may be wrong, or I might be crazy.

But clearly, the results show that it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for..

Other candidates engaged in the type of negative advertising that has made American politics so rancorous.

Various candidates attacked the Bush administration’s policies. Bush claimed that Democrats think terrorism is totally awesome and wish they could, like, party with Osama bin Laden.

Then, someone called goose on Howard Dean and everyone laughed at him for a while while he prepared his Strategic Advertising Defense Initiative.

Of course, that didn’t work because, as we all know now, I won. I stayed out of the negative advertising game, as well as any sort of advertising, and it worked.

Nah nah naaah nah naaaaah.

Hopefully, other candidates will learn from my example. To become the winner of the Iowa caucuses, you really don’t need a campaign manager or lots of money.

I was hoping my platform planks had spread by word of mouth, but I can hardly be certain. To explain why I received such massive support, and to stroke my ego, I will now explain my views.

First, the United States needs to build a really, really big wall. It’s working in Israel right?

Second, launch more wars on things we don’t like.

No, I don’t mean I want to kill people.

I just want us to examine how the War on Drugs has ensured that no one can buy drugs, the War on Poverty has made everyone rich, and the War on Terrorism has made us best buds with the world.

Perhaps we should follow the path with a War on Aging, or a War on Garbage Bags that Rip When Boxers Lift Them Up In Commercials.

If we get discouraged, we can just call for a War on the Soviet Union, and immediately declare we won.

Third, ice cream is awesome. This should be self-explanatory.

Fourth? Well, I’m out of time for this week.

Honestly, I don’t know why I’d receive your support, but sometimes it makes as much sense as anyone on either side of the aisle.

Anyway, thanks Iowa. It’s an honor just to be nominated.