Dear faithful readers,

It has come to my attention that many of you are illegally obtaining and reading my regular column in the Iowa State Daily. This news-gathering process, or “downloading,” as I like to call it, will not be tolerated. After exploring several different methods of halting the problem, I am left with only one viable option.

I have decided to sue each and every one of you.

If you look on the top of every copy of the newspaper, you will see the price of “40 cents” is clearly marked. However, a growing number of you are simply taking copies of the publication without any financial compensation.

I’ll ignore the fact that if you have already purchased a copy of the newspaper, it is your legal right to download a copy of the copyrighted material as a backup. I’ll also ignore the fact that television, a medium that rebroadcasts material similar to mine, has coexisted peacefully with the newspaper industry for decades. And while it may be true that you are simply downloading an occasional copy as a way to make a more informed decision about purchasing future copies of my column, my top-notch researchers — paid by me, of course — have shown that you never end up purchasing the column anyway.

Have any of you stopped to think of the damage you’re doing to my business? Sure, I’m a well-paid executive with a corner office and plenty of kickbacks from the industry fat cats, but every column you steal from me is one less dollar in my pocket. It might seem like a faceless corporation you’re hurting, but in reality, I’m just a regular guy with a family (read: a bar tab at Welch Ave. Station) to support.

When I first discovered your hurtful downloading practices, I tried to handle this in the most civil way possible. I began printing the columns in a newsprint-colored ink, in a process I dubbed “copy protection.” The side effects of the process, unfortunately, made the columns impossible to read. Apparently, making the column unusable didn’t bring the customers back, either.

I’ve even tried more subtle means of swaying you back to my side. Many of my columns now include a free bonus DVD featuring a behind-the-scenes look at the excitement of me writing a column. While it is a nice touch, the added incentive doesn’t seem to be a widespread hit.

One of my largest producers has even agreed to lower prices on the newspaper, though I doubt the decision will have universal appeal in the industry. And since nothing has actually changed in the way I do business, I have no intentions of keeping prices low if I do eventually earn your trust again.

My only hope is that it isn’t too late to woo you back into becoming a respectable citizen who will pay for my columns again. Of course, individually suing each of you probably isn’t the best way to start, but that’s not my problem.

To put it simply, lawsuits are cheaper and easier than actually investigating why people no longer buy my column. After all, I have to recoup my losses from somewhere, and your billfold looks like a great place to start.

If you’ll excuse me, I must end this letter and travel to Des Moines immediately. Apparently, there’s a 12-year-old girl from a low-income family who’s been clipping out “The Family Circus” from the Sunday Register.

We must move fast.

Sincerely,Aaron Ladage

President, Readers Informed About Articles (RIAA)