It’s a bad sign when, after months of planning and thousands upon thousands of dollars in budget money spent, the best moment of the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards was a technical difficulty that made Kelly Osbourne look like an even bigger idiot than she already did.

With the exception of a few rare moments, this year’s VMAs were as lifeless as Campustown over Veishea weekend. For a network powerful enough to have an entire generation named after it, and for the amount of effort the network puts into promoting the VMAs as the “anti-awards show,” almost every moment of the mind-numbing three-hour ceremony lacked originality, creativity and the standard off-centeredness that separate it from the rest of the awards show crowd.

The evening began with the promise of an unforgettable secret performance; most people are probably still waiting. The everlasting queens of harlotry, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, took the stage in the same white wedding corsets that Madonna wore in her “Like a Virgin” video. When Madonna joined the pair on stage, it looked as if the opening number would be something great. Instead, it fizzled into a cheap display of girl-on-girl lip-syncing.

Unfortunately, things went from bad to painful. seventy-one-year-old Music legend Johnny Cash was expected to take the ceremonies by storm with his cover of Trent Reznor’s “Hurt.” But once again, network ratings and demographics pushed decent music to the back of the stage. Instead of giving the moon man to a worthwhile performer, acts like Justin Timberlake took home the awards. Even Timberlake, who somehow thinks he understands real music better than people who were actually alive when it was still being made, admitted that Cash’s exclusion was “a travesty.”

The night wasn’t a total bust, however. Performances by Beyonc‚, Coldplay and 50 Cent salvaged the embarrassing drivel that flowed from the mouths of nearly every other entertainer who made it to the mic.

Even Eminem, whose usual angry banter with puppets and pop stars is welcome comedy relief, seemed far too rehearsed and drab to bring a pulse back to the lifeless show.

Perhaps next year, MTV should give up on the big-budget lighting and video effects and focus on what has kept the network alive for 20 years. Without the irreverent comedy and unexpected moments, the Video Music Awards are nothing more than the Grammys on Ritalin.