Welcome, new victims — er, students — to the 2003 fall semester. We’ve been expecting you. You have many adjustments to make: Now you’re stuck with roommates to deal with, dining center cooking to choke down, classes to skip and all-nighters to pull.

Once you realize there isn’t enough space in your tiny dorm room dresser or closet for all of your stuff, especially after the six trips you made to Wal-Mart, don’t panic. Learn how to shrewdly negotiate with your roommate — allow him or her to plaster the walls with their posters/art/smut while you get both dressers and all the closet space.

If you want to make friends quickly in your dorm, always tap on the shower curtain before entering even if you’re sure no one is there before you take a shower in the morning — walking in on someone drying themselves off isn’t kosher. Also, don’t put on your clothes in the shower stall; just towel dry and then dress in your room. Taking extra time in the shower stall will not serve you well in making friends, either.

Never shower without flip-flops. The showers are supposedly cleaned and sterilized daily, but you never know what sort of weird, funky fungus you could pick up. And guys, don’t pee in the shower unless you have your own drain. If two stalls share a drain, your neighbor will probably notice your little surprise flowing into his stall.

Be nice to those who clean your residence hall bathroom toilets and showers. They have the power to make shower time truly terrifying. Remember, you can leave your dorm room a complete mess, but not a bathroom shared by at least 40 other people. Mom isn’t cleaning up after you anymore, so don’t make their job any more painful.

Always keep a secret stash of microwave popcorn in your room in case the dining center cooking is too scary to consume (most dorms have a microwave oven somewhere. If yours doesn’t, you got screwed — go buy one yourself). And speaking of the dining center, the trays have multiple uses. Not only are they useful for carrying plates and glasses, but when snow starts to fly, trays are also useful for sledding.

The parking Gestapo is evil. They lurk on the back streets and periphery of campus, waiting for meters to run out while you’ve forgotten about your car and are busy doing … whatever you’re doing. Understand the Department of Public Safety’s rules on parking and follow them, or you will end up with hundreds of dollars in parking ticket fines on your U-Bill.

You might find all of your underwear turned blue because you threw them in with your jeans. But finding change to wash two loads was hard, you say? No matter how low on funds you are, you’ve still got to separate colors from whites.

You can lose your sanity, your psychology homework or the red sweater you borrowed from your roommate last week, but for heaven’s sake, do not lose your student ID. It’s “everywhere you want to be:” your bus pass, meal ticket and cash card all in one, even though it probably contains an even worse photo of you than the one on your driver’s license.

If your neighbors are too loud, resist the temptation to bang on the wall, ceiling or floor. Do the mature thing — you know, like actually talk to them. Explain why they are bothering you. You will likely be met with some degree of cooperation. Never involve your Resident Assistant unless all other options have been exhausted, because it may cause some resentment with the other party. RAs usually don’t appreciate dealing with problems that can be easily solved without their intervention.

If you show up to most house meetings and have casual conversation with some of your RAs, they may be more lenient with you and are more likely to help you out when you need something. Make friends with someone on your floor who has a couch in their room — you might need somewhere to sleep for a night if your roommate has a “friend” over.

And to quote from the frat boy college comedy flick “PCU,” senior party boy Draz gives this advice to an eager freshman: “Want some advice? Here’s all you need to know: Classes? Nothing before 11 a.m. Beer — it’s your best friend, you drink a lot of it. Women? You’re a freshman, so it’s pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car? If not, someone in your hall will. Find them and make friends with them on the first day.”

Oh, and one more thing. Call your mom or dad at the end of the week — they’ll want to know you’re still alive.