All over town, they’ve been spotted: the Ames bicycle cops. The streets were teeming with them on Saturday night, searching for parties around every turn, checking student IDs and basically confusing everyone who thought cops still cruised in cars.

They come out of the bushes like ninjas, speeding toward danger (namely, ISU students) and no one really knows how they got there.

According to the Ames Police Department, the bicycle patrol program has actually been around for ten years.

However, these officers have spent the better part of the decade catching the ruthless criminals who violate biking laws and run stop signs (which are very hardcore crimes, you know). For this reason, many students haven’t noticed them until recently — these days, many officers on two wheels have been found nabbing reckless drivers, speeders and the partying folk of Iowa State.

As luck would have it, they’re doing a pretty good job. Now there is nowhere safe at Iowa State, nowhere to hide. Whenever and wherever you’re partying, speeding, illegally parking, or jaywalking … they’re there. Your only chance is to outrun them. Then again, you’d probably have a much better chance of outrunning a bike than a cop car.

One way or another, these bicycle cops are definitely going to be a roadblock to weekend partying. Before, students really had the upper hand.

Only someone who is too sloshed to stand can’t spot the bright white of a police car, topped with its red flashing lights.

By the time they get out of their cars, most students could be halfway down the block, dodging in and out of other people’s yards.

But now, any random biker could be the enemy.

There are few places that a bike can’t follow, and with all the added exercise that the officers are doing, their extra weight won’t slow them down. The only warning we have left is the sudden appearance of dorky helmets, which most college students don’t wear.

On the other hand, perhaps I haven’t been fair. Maybe all’s fair in the game of cat and mouse. It could be that students are just getting too good at avoiding them, and the police department is merely trying to keep up with Iowa State’s clever little party crowd.

Week after week, the kegs keep coming, the minors keep drinking and the speeders keep speeding. So what’s a police force to do when everyone can spot a police car from a mile away? Hit ’em with the bikes! It’s the obvious answer!

Still, perhaps we should have something to even the score a bit. Just like police cars have to be labeled as such, perhaps police bikes should be more noticeable, too.

It’s only fair.

Maybe they could get little bicycle bells to ring, or pretty sparkly streamers and a cute little flag for the back that says “#1.” That would make them easier to spot, and it would make them feel special.

Ignoring the obvious disadvantages for students, are bicycle cops really all that practical? They’ve got no lights or sirens; they can only go about 20 miles per hour (tops) and who can really take them seriously, anyway?

If I were speeding and a bicycle cop came up behind me, sweating and pedaling as fast as he could, I’d probably go faster.

Another thing to consider is a bike’s carrying capacity. Where would a less than law-abiding citizen ride if he or she were arrested? On the handlebars, or in a basket near the back wheel like Toto on the “Wizard of Oz?”

The big guys in actual cop cars will probably have to make all the arrests, leaving bike cops to act like the hall monitors of Ames, tattling on those who break the law.

So what’s next? They’ve already got police cars, bikes, motorcycles and horses on their side. What is left for the criminals of the world to fear? Officers in civilian cars on the highways? Cops dressed as little girls? Ground squirrels and cute little bunnies with video cameras strapped to their backs?

It might be closer than you think.

I suppose that to those who avoid parties, keep speeding at a minimum, and above all, never, ever violate bicycle laws, the Ames bicycle cops are just a few more friendly faces watching our backs from afar.

But for everyone else (and everyone else is a lot) … check all the bushes next time and learn to run fast.