It’s Aug. 25 and you know what that means — it’s the first day of school, and for some, it’s the first day of college.

But fear not, there are several simple things one can do to prevent a fall at Iowa State from becoming a fall from grace.

The following instructions, to be followed the first day of class through the rest of the year, are a recipe for intrigue. They will make an immediate impact in your academic performance, interpersonal relationships and even life after college. They will introduce you to the nuances of life at Iowa State, help you meet people, leave you with that “fresh” feeling — and maybe, just maybe, they will land you on academic probation.

Are you ready? Take a deep breath, gulp down some caffeine and read on.

Upon waking up, whether you are in bed, on the floor, or in a gutter on Welch Avenue, there are several questions that you should ask yourself. Among them: Do I have at least two days’ accumulation of shavable body hair? Has it been at least 36 hours since my last shower? Do I plan to wear the clothes I slept in, which may or may not be the clothes I wore yesterday? Do I have brutal nacho cheese breath?

And, most importantly: Do I have a hangover that would make F. Scott Fitzgerald green with envy?

The answer to all of these should emphatically be ‘yes’. If this is not the case, you’ve already gotten off to a bad start and run the risk of failing — or worse, succeeding — in the university environment.

Now, follow the next instructions with the utmost care.

Make certain you are late to class. The school year is one nine-month-long party and, like at any kegger or greek formal, to arrive first is to commit the greatest faux pas. Just like no one wants to be there when the keg is first tapped, no one wants to be there when the professor introduces him or herself and states the course title.

Arriving 10 minutes after your class’ scheduled start time is a good rule of thumb. If you happen to be habitually punctual, take extra caution. Find things along the way to class to occupy your time, such as counting the rabbits on campus, mowing the lawn between Alumni Hall and the library, or helping unload a food service truck at the new Union Drive Community Center.

Once you arrive at class, you may find it to be a little dull, especially on the first day. Your classmates will be similarly un-stimulated and will depend on you — and only you — to break the monotony.

One recommended boredom-buster is to act like a hype man from a 1980s-era rap group. To do this, simply listen to what the professor says, then shout out the emphasized words after he or she says them. For example, when the professor says, “The T.A.s are now passing around the syllabus,” you should yell “T&A!” and “syllabus!” as loud as you can. After a little practice, you can ad-lib your shouts, with such lines as, “Principles of Econ fo’ life!” and “Engineerin’ 160, ya heard?!”

When walking to and from classes, you may happen upon a friendly game of Frisbee. Join in these games at every opportunity, and upon receiving the Frisbee for the first time, strip off your shirt and tuck it into the waist of your pants. This will prove to all onlookers that you’re a serious Frisbee competitor, and that you’re working too hard tossing and catching a plastic disc to be constrained by any extraneous clothing.

For those who live off-campus, transportation can be a real hassle if you aren’t aware of all your options. In addition to walking, biking, Rollerblading, hitchhiking, pogo-sticking, traveling via Segway Human Transporter and riding CyRide to campus, students can drive their own cars.

The expansive parking lot between Beardshear and Curtiss halls is badly underutilized, to the point that grass has begun to grow over it. Don’t let that state-owned real estate go to waste! Claim your spot under the Campanile and say goodbye to all self-propelled or public transportation snafus.

As for nightlife, there’s only one rule — if you can remember it in the morning, you did something wrong.

By following these instructions, you’ll be well on your way to the best year of your life. Just remember to live every day as if you’ll be asked to withdraw from classes tomorrow — you just might be.

With a freewheeling, open mind, you will master college life, and with the help of alumni connections and a good lawyer, life after college as well.