Many readers, I am sure, have been eagerly awaiting a comprehensive report of last weekend’s Grundmeier family picnic. I’m nothing if not obliging, so here goes:

We must begin, naturally, with a summary of the volleyball game, because of the well-known rule that family get-togethers on the Fourth of July weekend are not official until one of the following takes place:

* Volleyball on a sand court — Players are not required to move, except for young children and one player on each side who has, deservedly or not, been designated in others’ minds as an “athlete” and must scurry about the court endlessly, digging out every volley so that another player can watch it fall harmlessly to the ground (in volleyball terms this is known as the “set”).

* Any strange game you would never think of playing otherwise — Croquet falls into this category. (Note to croquet fans: I really do enjoy croquet. The point here is that in my experience, it doesn’t top the list of things to do for people not wearing family T-shirts.)

* Water balloon fight — This is a time-honored tradition that is a never-ending source of hilarity, as you can see in this exchange:

Parent: “[Name of child], pick up the little balloon pieces your young cousins left all over the place.”

Child:

My family also added a new and exciting category Saturday:

* Hoping the birds who have nested in the ceiling of the park shelter have the respect to not “ruin your lunch” as you pass through the buffet line set up on the shelter’s picnic tables.

Note the absence of any water sport in the list. Because our picnics take place on the shores of Storm Lake, we don’t do anything involving boats or swimming. After all, that’s why the lake is there, right?

It’s perhaps just as well to leave those things to the experts, though. Sailing makes me queasy.

Three years and three days had passed since our previous extended-family meeting at Storm Lake’s Starr Park, so the “competitive juices” were flowing for some game.

My part of the family was more than ready for the sand volleyball match. We even purchased a brand-new volleyball for the occasion, a very stylish bright yellow model.

Not only that, but it had a smiley face on the front. What could be more perfect?

Still, even the best plans in sports can be thwarted by injury, and our volleyball match suffered a blow before it could even begin when one of the competitors underwent knee surgery Wednesday.

Perhaps that was the beginning of the end.

After a filling meal (my relatives cook with the best of them, a more than welcome break from Easy Mac), we sat around and talked.

People I didn’t remember (or never knew) noticed my height (unchanged in three years). The typical reunion business. Surely volleyball was on the way.

A long time passed. I got my third helping of dessert, helped move my injured cousin out of the sun and picked up the little balloon pieces my younger cousins left all over the place after their balloon fight. Still, no movement toward the court.

And that’s the way it stayed all afternoon. “Too hot outside,” people said. I don’t recall a previous Grundmeier family lakeshore gathering that lacked a game, and, a little stunned, I eventually slid into the backseat of the car to go watch the Cubs pick up a rare victory.

That brand-new unused volleyball’s face still smiles at us from inside its box.

Transitioning seamlessly to a brief comment on the Cyclones . . .

Bulletin board material

Everybody knows those of us in the Midwest get little respect from the media on either coast, but I couldn’t let this piece from Mike Hiserman in the Los Angeles Times pass unnoticed.

Hiserman says three Big West teams have already contacted ISU men’s basketball coach Wayne Morgan, who coached previously at Long Beach State in the Big West, about games with the Cyclones in the future.

Then he drops in this gem:

“Apparently there’s nothing like the allure of a payday and a likely victory.”

As a point of reference, California-Santa Barbara won the conference last year and played a non-conference schedule that included losses to Jacksonville State and Bucknell.

Here’s to hoping Iowa State gets a chance in the near future to demonstrate that “likely victory” to some Big West schools.