I think you’d all agree it would be very inappropriate to have 500 fans yelling and screaming “Julia” or ‘Tom,'” Academy Award producer Gil Cates told The Associated Press as an explanation for why the red-carpet entrance of the stars to the Oscars was being canceled.

Many have suggested that it may have been the hesitation of stars to meet with the media, particularly when they could be asking about decidedly non-Oscar type topics like war and terrorism. But that’s certainly not what the Oscars’ producers are responding to, considering that they decided to totally rewrite the script that Steve Martin is working with to make sure it’s in the proper tone for the time.

Why would they make these changes? Why would they decide to put an end to humor for the sake of President Bush and his war? Well, the obvious answer is that the script wasn’t funny anyway, and that we should pity the ordinarily hilarious Steve Martin for being put in this position again. But there must have been other motivations.

Was it merely possible that Americans can’t stomach the idea of being annoyed and disgruntled toward Saddam Hussein and Joan Rivers in the same week? That would explain the end of the red carpet, but it’s not like there’s any lack of hatred in this country, so I’m almost certain we’d have been able to pull it off. That can’t be it.

It’s not that the interest is on the wane, because frankly, most people just want the Oscars to get over with after months of hype, and movie theaters want people to stop seeing “The Hours” and start seeing “Kangaroo Jack 2.”

To say that this week is the wrong one for frivolity is ridiculous. The Oscars went on through worse. World War II didn’t stop them. Neither did Vietnam, an Iranian hostage crisis or the eight nominations received by “Cabaret.” Bigger tragedies haven’t stopped Americans from behaving like star-worshipping idiots, and this isn’t the time to change that. Every American glued to their television watching bombs drop on Baghdad isn’t going to save one Marine’s life or force one unjust regime to tumble. Neither is watching the Oscars, but that’s just why it should be an option. It’s not like there aren’t places to watch the tragedy unfold. At last count, there were about 5 million channels on my television, and all of them except the Food Network was about to piss themselves with 24-hour-news-coverage joy when the first explosions occurred on Wednesday.

Still, it’s not that Cates is wrong. It would be inappropriate for people to be shouting out the names of Hollywood stars when there are more important things to consider. But at the same time, it’s no more inappropriate than usual.

Innocent people are always getting slaughtered, and the full extent to which Iraqi civilians are getting killed isn’t in the least bit clear. But why should I build my life around it now any more than before? Frankly, the fact that it’s being done by people I voted against makes it a lot easier to take than the things that Amnesty International tries to prevent to begin with. I had a say in this, and my say got rejected like a bad liver transplant. I’ll do all the same complaining as I did before, but I’m not going to claim that the entire world is different now. It’s not really any different, except that there’s a few fewer people around and a lot more people excited at the possibility that Saddam Hussein might have been seen on a stretcher. (Of course, don’t get your hopes up — there’s at least three Saddam Husseins.)

Every war we fight is at least moderately connected to one main goal — our own complacency. We don’t want to have to change. Terrorists ruin that for us, because all of a sudden we can’t sit on the couch, slowly decaying into brain-dead blobs, because there’s only so many times you can watch something terrible. Even if you accept the high-minded ideals that are allegedly justifying our attacks, there’s certainly an element of “we just want to enjoy our frivolous lives, and if we want meaning to them, it’ll be the meanings we choose through religion or occupation.” That’s exactly what the Oscars are about.

To pretend that this war is a reason to stop them is an insult to all those things that haven’t stopped the Oscars from engaging in wanton self-indulgence before. It’s an insult to Martin Luther King Jr., whose assassination didn’t stop the Oscars from happening six days later. It’s an insult to people in Xenia, Ohio, who endured one of the deadliest strings of tornadoes that occurred several hours before the Academy Awards in 1974. It’s an insult to soldiers who served before, since their wars didn’t even get the Academy to consider putting an end to the Oscars.

The Oscars are a gift to everyone who cares about the movies or just want to see what Halle Berry happens to be wearing, since apparently it’s intended to “inspire the troops” this year. It’s something to discuss over the water cooler or even the foxhole. And anything that gets people talking instead of fighting has got to be the best solution for us all.

Where have you gone, Julia Roberts? I think only you can save us now.