Metal fans, you stink! I could write 10 columns on the strange behavior patterns of this group of music fans; they truly are a particular species of people. Due to length restraints, I’ll just focus on one attribute I’m growing increasingly tired of — body odor.

So, here I am at the Dope concert, trying to take notes on the opening band, Slitheryn, when all of the sudden a group of about four to five classic metalheads budge their way in front of me. I’m just about to bitch at the fact that they just wiggled their way into the only half inch of space that my 5-foot-7 ass was able to see the stage through, when the smell hits me like a pounding kick drum from the speakers.

You know that smell — the smell of an armpit that hasn’t touched a stick of deodorant since Guns N’ Roses was really Guns N’ Roses.

It was one of those odors that was so bad you actually taste it in your mouth, and let me tell you, licking armpits ain’t so good. Even when I moved away from them, the smell lingered in my nasal passages, just hanging around, reminding me of what happens when one fails to maintain personal hygiene.

I’ve been to many concerts besides metal shows, and I hate to say this about my fellow headbangers, but you stink. Sure, there are bound to be smelly people anywhere, and I know that not every metal fan stinks (I know this because I think I smell nice), but every single metal concert I go to seems to be an over-concentration of pungent odor.

My favorites are the big, burly, scruffy 35-year-old dudes who still think they’re 18. You know the kind — the ones who have to strip off their tattered Metallica T-shirts as soon as they hit the venue so everyone can seen their big, saggy beer gut and patches of black back hair.

These guys drink about 10 beers during the first band alone, so by the time the headliners hit the stage, they’re absolutely annihilated. Every time the lead singer says something to the audience, these guys yell “Fuck yeah!” as loud as they can, or they’ll just shout phrases that make no sense, like sexual comments about your grandma. You think I’m making that up? I’ve heard lines like those at a concerts before.

Oh yeah, those guys stink too. They emit that wonderful fat, drunk, sweaty aroma that everyone loves. If you are lucky enough, one of them might run into you on his way to the bar and wipe some of his juices on you. It’s almost enough to send you sprinting home for a shower.

I know you can’t help it when you sweat a lot after drinking 30 beers, but there’s no excuse for going without deodorant. It isn’t a hard concept or an expensive item. Here’s one suggestion: drink one less beer, and use that money for some Speed Stick.

Let me tell you about another unpleasant concert experience. Last summer I went to Des Moines to see Stone Sour at Toad Holler. I don’t remember what time the doors were supposed to open, but obviously the people in charge thought it would be better to let 600 people stand outside in the middle of a vacant lot on a hot summer day for an hour.

You can imagine what it was like when we all piled into Toad Holler. Oh yeah, there’s no air conditioning there, either. They oversold the show and it was shoulder to shoulder. The heat was smothering, the kind where your clothes just stick to your body.

Slipknot lead singer Corey Taylor sings for Stone Sour, and from my experiences, I’ve noticed that Slipknot has the biggest following of stinky metal fans. So everywhere there were guys wearing Slipknot shirts, and you could almost see the fumes coming out from the pits.

Everyone was sweaty, many were drunk and everyone was uncomfortable — except those guys I’m talking about who never know they smell like a dead raccoon. The only possible way that show could have been worse was if it was held in a hog barn that hadn’t been cleaned in five years.

So here is my suggestion. You know how products like Jagermeister and Miller Lite sponsor tours and shows? How about shows sponsored by Degree Antiperspirant?

Hell, you get free samples of deodorant when you buy stuff from the book store — why not everyone get a little stick before they go in the show? Let’s band together for the music we love and take the proper precautions to guarantee everyone’s comfort at shows.

Trevor Fisher is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Knoxville. He is the arts and entertainment senior reporter for the Daily.