Last week, the Federal Bureau of Investigation warned that American colleges and universities might be prime targets for terrorist attacks. Hopefully, this doesn’t come as too much of a surprise to members of the ISU community.

Public universities have seemed like a logical choice for terrorist attacks ever since the attacks of Sept. 11 made one consider the likelihood of any location being attacked. Hundreds of young Americans, crowded into a certain lecture hall at regularly scheduled times, attending a public university. Not a bad target at all.

Anyway, in response to these latest obvious warnings (following such shockers as “Going to war with Iraq will increase the likelihood of terrorist attacks in the United States”), ISU officials are rethinking some of their security procedures and attempting to step up awareness of what occurs on our campus.

Where would terrorists strike if they decided to extend their reign of terror to the university that educated the woman who produced the great American evil, the Rice Krispie Treat?

To most of us, obvious possibilities include the larger lecture halls, Parks Library or perhaps the Ames Laboratory.

Undoubtedly, these would be great targets, but I fear we are overlooking the most eminent targets: our beloved swans, Sir Lancelot and Elaine.

Think about it: The death or disappearance of the swans would paralyze the entire ISU community. The ripple effects of this tragedy would cripple our lives. Undoubtedly, classes would not meet, CyRide would not run and I even fear that the bells of the Campanile would not toll. Student Counseling Services would be inundated with calls from students, professors and administrators alike who are lost without the presence of these two giant birds.

President Gregory Geoffroy would have the burden of preparing a speech that could both capture the impact of our loss and inspire us to press on.

But why are we not addressing this threat? I wonder if perhaps the administrators have not conceived of this possibility. “They’re just birds,” they are probably saying, but they don’t realize they are so much more than that. They are a symbol of Iowa State University. They are the pride of the thousands of students who flock to Ames from around the world.

In fact, some come solely for the swans. It is not like most students forget the swans are even around and think it is pretty pointless that they are projected as a symbol of pride at Iowa State. No, that is definitely not the case.

So, we must protect our beloved swans, preferably with large amounts of fully armed men and women. It would be a sign of weakness (translation: the terrorists win) to simply move the swans from Lake LaVerne, so we must fortify it heavily with armed guards.

I envision a legion of armed troops patrolling the area, investigating all suspicious activity and generally harassing anyone who is unfortunate enough to be near the lake, Memorial Union, Friley or even traveling on Lincoln Way.

In fact, I think traffic on Lincoln Way should be detoured to guard against the risk of a car bomb or a hijacked CyRide bus plunging into the lake.

There should be video surveillance monitoring the area at all times, and a legion of jets on standby if any aircraft would have the audacity to violate the airspace over the lake.

The very quality of the lake, in that it contains a large amount of water, may make it easier for the swans to fall prey to the enemy. A deadly agent could be dropped into the water, infecting the swans. However, the large amount of random chemicals in the lake already would undoubtedly dilute or counteract anything that is added to it. And quite frankly, if the swans can survive swimming in the lake in its present state, they are probably immune to any biological or chemical agent they’ll ever come into contact with.

Regardless of their freakish immunity to normally deadly amounts of toxins, the swans need to be protected from the terrorists. We were once caught off guard by a tragedy we never envisioned. Don’t let it happen again.

Dustin Kass is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Dubuque.