When popularity polls are taken, it’s customary to see a few things bunched near the top, like say flowers, puppies and balmy spring picnics, complete with lemonade, kite flying and towheaded children.

On the other end of the poll, however, there’s a lot more agreement, there’s just rainy picnics with two-headed children named Nick or Bobby, irritable bowel syndrome and affirmative action — in that order. That’s one of the reasons the recent uproar about the University of Michigan’s admissions policies has been so loud and obnoxiously filled with those whose idea of injustice means women being admitted to Augusta. Affirmative action is just plain unpopular, because even your most heartened of white liberals normally tends to break down when they’re placed in a make-or-break position. The logic tends to be awww … poor white people.

Which makes it most ultimately ironic that I am so totally unoffended. Considering that I’ve not only applied to Michigan’s law school this spring, but am also one of those poor white people, poor being defined as rich and white being defined as “likes Public Enemy and Marvin Gaye, but has never listened to DMX or Ashanti.” But actually, not only do I not mind the policy, but I think it’s just absolutely awesome.

Why? Have I gone off the deep end? No more than usual. But actually, affirmative action is meant to help people just like me — as rich and white as they come. That’s the secret that most of rich white America isn’t in on.

It’s not really in the way that they say. Affirmative action isn’t going to help me because it brings in people with diverse experiences, since it tends to help the people in the category who need it least, like close relatives of Colin Powell or Henry Louis Gates, rather than people who are actually limited by their surroundings.

So how does it help me? Say Michigan admits a “token” rich white male under this policy. Right now, that’s a bit of an achievement. Those rich white males are the best at being rich and white that you can find in the entire country, besides your Harvards and Yales. Without that affirmative action policy — boring, everybody with proof of Lexus ownership has just got in the door. So if I should happen to get in now, I can stand up and point at that affirmative action policy as another thing I overcame, which for those of you keeping score, gives me a total of one. Back in the old days, it was no achievement, I just had to meet ordinary mediocre standards.

Once law school starts, things can only get better for my white brethren. If Bush is right, and the affirmative action beneficiaries shouldn’t have been admitted, then I should certainly be blowing right by them in the class ranking. If Bush is wrong, well, when graduation rolls around, I’m still the beneficiary of every racially biased law firm that’s hiring. Affirmative action or not, the minorities with law degrees are still minorities, and it’s almost certain that they’re still going to get screwed somewhere. Affirmative action in the workplace has essentially been terminated following Adarand v. Pena, so the hopes of achieving a truly integrated workplace are slim.

Bush still denounced it, referring to the Michigan system as being a quota, which would render it unconstitutional. Unfortunately, though, here he’s just flat out wrong. Adding 20 points to a score is not a quota. It bears no resemblance towards a quota, which would look like “10% of admitted students must be African-Americans” or “50 admitted students must be Hispanic.” Those are quotas. Michigan’s policy looks more like an admissions program that offers benefits for being a minority, and while it may not be “fair,” no one in politics has ever given a damn about fairness, or else they’d have resigned years ago.

Even more ridiculous is that about every law school in the country has something along the lines of affirmative action that doesn’t give a damn what color you are. No, most of them prefer to get a “broad base” of experiences by picking up random people from all 50 states. I’m just a benefit of schools with their Nebraska or Iowa affirmative action. But these near-quotas aren’t getting challenged, because they’re an inconvenient scapegoat.

First the Emancipation Proclamation and now the admissions policy at the University of Michigan. Wow. Talk about your favoritism. I can’t think of any policy enacted in the last ten seconds that was aimed at helping rich white people. Quite frankly, it’s so tiring, I think I’ll have a mint julep.

Tim Kearns is a senior in political science from Bellevue, Neb.