Due to budget cuts, this column will skip to Sunday and be 10 days before Christmas. That said, feel free to sing along as I wrap up and bring together loose ends from the semester:

On the first day of pre-Christmas Coach McCarney gave to me a winter parka for Boise.

It’s widely believed that Cyclone fans would be sucking on tangerines had the team not, well, sucked in the final game. It’s also widely believed that playing in Boise in December is like playing in Ames in December. Cyclone fans who vowed to never revisit Idaho after the last debacle there are between a rock and a cold place.

The average December high in Phoenix is 66, Shreveport 48, and Boise 28. At this rate the 2003 bowl will be in Nome, Alaska, with an average December high of 7.3.

Now, admittedly, we should be happy to go to a bowl, but we got spoiled with Arizona first. And besides, beating the Hawkeyes, only to see them end up third in the polls with a warm bowl game, may be a fate worse than mediocrity.

On the second day of pre-Christmas a state trooper gave to me two speeding tickets.

Well, maybe not me, but 89 percent of other drivers. According to the Dec. 1 Des Moines Register that percentage goes faster than 65 mph on four-lane roads. This means to some that the Legislature needs to enable that 89 percent to go faster than 70 or 75 instead.

On the third day of pre-Christmas National Geographic gave to me three world maps.

A report on Nov. 20 revealed that geography problems among 18- to 24-year-old Americans were bigger than the Pacific Ocean, which 29 percent of them could not locate. Of more than 300 people asked, fewer could place the states of Missouri (30 percent) and Massachusetts (31) than the general location of the last “Survivor” island (34), and 11 percent, given a world map, could not find the United States.

Perhaps we should be more worried about how many people will be screwing up Iowa and Idaho for the game.

On the fourth day of pre-Christmas my camera gave to me four dead double-A’s.

The problem with many digital gadgets today is that they will refuse to work as soon as the batteries have used about half their juice. The batteries will still work in radios and CD players, but digital cameras refuse to coexist with them, eating batteries gluttonously but leaving half of each meal behind.

On the fifth day of pre-Christmas the postseason gave to me five non-corporate games.

Of 28 college postseason matchups, only five of them are not preceded by (or fully comprised of) a disgusting corporate moniker. They are the New Orleans, Seattle, Motor City, Houston and Silicon Valley bowls. On the other end, the total defilement of the granddaddy of them all is complete in the “Rose Bowl presented by Sony PlayStation 2.”

On the sixth day of pre-Christmas the retro craze gave me six tapes of “Care Bears.”

The College Square Wal-Mart in Cedar Falls actually had twice that many copies of the 1985 movie for sale. The Onion may have been right when it once broadcast a warning from the Department of Retro that we were running out of retro.

On the seventh day of pre-Christmas my conference gave to me seven teams a-bowling.

The Big 12 filled all of its non-BCS slots in the postseason (seven) — and had a single official champion to boot. The Big Ten had neither (although two teams are in the BCS). Only Iowa State (partially) saved the Big Ten’s system from possibly blowing up in everyone’s faces. The fact that Miami is undefeated only because the football gods have it in for Florida State’s field-goal unit would have made that scenario even more interesting.

On the eighth day of pre-Christmas business trends gave me an eighth less of ice cream.

The saga of the “Incredible Shrinking Products” continues. An AP article on Nov. 18 said that Dreyer’s and Schwan’s were shrinking the once-timeless half-gallon of ice cream by one-eighth, to 1.75 quarts. As with everything else, the rest of the industry will soon follow, and consumers won’t be able to do a thing.

On the ninth day of pre-Christmas anti-fast-food lawyers gave to me nine people suing.

The first you may remember from earlier in the year. Caesar Barber sued fast-food restaurants after having a heart attack.

Subsequently, that suit was dropped, but now eight children are in a class-action lawsuit against McDonald’s, claiming that their obesity is due to the lure of the Golden Arches.

The bright(?) side is that the lawyers will be eating very well after this.

On the tenth day of pre-Christmas the cinema gave me ten “Star Trek” movies.

According to the tagline, this tenth installment in the saga (“Nemesis”) is “a generation’s final journey,” the last film using the cast of “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” While it is officially released the 13th, “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” comes out on the 18th. This December will be the cinematic triumph of the nerds.

Ten “Star Trek” movies, nine people suing, an eighth less of ice cream, seven teams a-bowling, six tapes of “Care Bears,” five non-corporate games, four dead double-A’s, three world maps, two speeding tickets and a winter parka for Boise.

Happy winter break to all, and to all a good night’s sleep before your worst final.

Jeff Morrison

is a junior in journalism

and mass communication and political science

from Traer. He is a copy

editor for the Daily.