Everyone is under a tremendous amount of stress in finals week, and for those who graduate someday in the near future, it’s even worse. When you add on the heavily procrastinated stress of graduate and professional school applications, the last two weeks of the semester are about as enjoyable as being repeatedly pummeled with a sack of doorknobs. Perhaps the most dreaded part of any application is the disgustingly pointless personal statement. In a minimal amount of space, an applicant is supposed to convey everything that is worth knowing about themselves in a way that will trick admissions officers into thinking they’re superior to everyone else.

The tremendous bulk of “I learned so many valuable things in college” columns these days has probably gotten so heavy that I thought I’d lighten the load by making menacing threats and demands to all of my dedicated readers instead. So all three of you, Bobby Joe, Ray Jay, and Suzie Jean, read this.

If any other astute readers should happen along, please let me know of any way you believe I could improve this already brilliant and well-crafted personal statement.

Dear sir, madam, Hollywood madam, or other:

RE: Admit Tim Kearns or else!!!!

I am applying to your non-mental institution in the aspirations of one day attending law school. Though I regard you and your ilk as the lowest of the low, as you make your living crushing the dreams of those who actually want to attend your academic cesspool, I am writing this statement as mandated by your Draconian guidebook of “law school acceptance.” Personally, I am not a codependent, nor do I need your validation.

Rather than explain to you all the extraordinary qualities that make me better than the standard automata that apply to your bowel obstruction of a law school, I would prefer at this time to let you know of some bizarre occurrences to those who did not admit Mr. Kearns.

Richard J. Preston, director of admissions at Western West Virginia Tech University A&M, filed an application of Tim Kearns’ in the “maybe” pile. He was later discovered in a pile of his own filth, shot through the head execution-style with a projectile later discovered to be a WWVTUAM cafeteria fork.

Auric Daniels and the admissions office of Iowa Southern School of Law refused Mr. Kearns’ admission merely because he never applied. They were later discovered apparently decapitated by a man’s hat.

As for those that did admit Mr. Kearns, well, let’s just say the difference is striking.

Sahardad Muffarash of the Calcutta Institute of Law Admitted Tim Kearns, and just minutes later, received a call from his true love.

You can reject Mr. Kearns, but for your own sake, I would strongly urge against it.

The only way to avoid a similar fate is to forward this to six of your favorite Ivy League law schools and 18 scholarship providers.

Sincerely threatening all you know and love,

Timothy Kearns

Tim Kearns

is a senior in political science from Bellevue, Neb.