Sleep — those precious hours in every day when your body is at rest, sprawled out upon a luxurious feather bed or — if you’ve had a particularly rough night — just a cozy little spot on the tile floor of your bathroom. Many people say sleep is essential to human functioning, that sleep is necessary for people to live and whatnot. And despite the obvious evidence that each and every one of us needs some slumber now and then, it seems as if some college students are pushing the bar. They sleep only in tiny increments, never enjoying the splendor that is waking to the sun already overhead and a day already half gone. So, I must warn you — sleep or you will suffer.

Much research has been conducted on sleep deprivation and people in their late teens and early twenties.

Apparently, we are just a very interesting group of people to observe. I imagine the sleep-deprived college student is far more entertaining to watch than the sleep deprived middle-aged man or senior citizen woman, if only because many of us are fundamentally dumb when tired. Anyway, the studies have shown that people our age need eight to nine hours of sleep EVERY NIGHT! That’s one single night! Translation: A college student, in order to be fully rested, needs to sleep around 60 hours a week. Two and a half days a week of doing nothing but lying in a darkened room, where the most strenuous activity performed is the opening of your mouth so that you may better drool on your pillows. I know this sounds like an insane amount, but I swear it’s true. Apparently, by sleeping a third of our lives away, we will more fully appreciate the other two-thirds when we are awake.

Furthermore, studies have shown that individuals who don’t get this amount of sleep are prone to a number of problems. First, your brain cannot function as efficiently. You thought you were flunking your tests because you didn’t study, but little did you know your failure was due to the fact that you studied the night before the big exam and only slept for four hours. The lesson here is to always choose sleeping over studying. It sounds outrageous, but you can’t argue with science.

Secondly, not getting enough sleep is hard on your immune system, making you more susceptible to getting sick. If sleeping helps make you healthy, I then ask why do sick people often sleep so much? It seems as if the data is a little contradictory, so we’ll just ignore those studies. Perhaps the scientists have some other unspoken agendas — world domination, selling mattresses, reducing electricity consumption — that we are not aware of. The lesson here is to never trust scientists.

Also, a lack of sufficient amounts of sleep can make people see the world more negatively. The studies have shown that some individuals suffer short bouts of depression that correlate with too little slumber. So, in theory, depressed people should sleep more in an effort to escape that depression. Right? But one of the symptoms of depression can be listlessness, often marked by large amounts of time sleeping or in bed. My advice here: Don’t be depressed, because if you are, I’m really not sure what you should do.

Finally, another problem with getting too little sleep is pretty obvious: the increased likelihood of falling asleep behind the wheel. Not surprisingly, a giant metal machine traveling at speeds as low as 10 or 15 miles per hour can cause some serious damage when it’s left to steer itself while its driver sleeps. People have enough trouble trying to control their cars when they are awake, much less when they are dreaming of Seneca winning the Heisman and tuition decreases.

I know from firsthand experience this is not the way to go. I once fell asleep on the highway traveling at roughly 60 miles per hour. I awoke to my SUV careening through the long grass of the ditch and, despite my expert driving skills, we took out two highway signs, snapping them like dry twigs from the ground. This ride, while being rather exhilarating and definitely giving me a better appreciation for life, was not worth the danger involved, and I can’t help but think that my falling asleep was somehow connected to the fact that I hadn’t slept in about 45 hours. Lesson: If you hit a highway sign, just jet before someone finds out. Even though they are only a big wooden pole with a tiny piece of metal attached, the Iowa Department of Transportation apparently is trying to deter people from hitting them with their outrageous prices, lest we crazy college kids make this some sort of intramural sport or something.

Anyway, I think that it is improbable to expect kids our age to sleep 9 hours a night. I’m lucky if I get 9 hours in three nights, and I’m still fine (cough). I don’t need to sleep more, but maybe some other people do. The lesson here is to sleep when you’re tired, stay awake when you’re not, and never trust scientists or their “studies.”

Oh, and never listen to me. I’m so tired I can hardly think.

Dustin Kass is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Dubuque.