Advertisements are all around. We are living in a consumer culture where everyone has some product to peddle, some innovation that will revolutionize a particular aspect of our life.

But the producers don’t get rich unless you purchase their innovation, choosing it over the similar innovations of their 36 competitors. Thus, we have ads that hound us throughout our daily routine.

It is the clever radio spot or the red-and-white newspaper inserts or the envelope announcing we are pre-approved that finally gives us that shove into purchasing a product. Or so the thinking goes.

I believe, however, that all these advertisements are ineffective and totally useless. They don’t work on me, and I can’t see how they would work on anyone else.

In my own unofficial estimation, 99.6254 percent of the population is immune to the alleged persuasion of advertisement. The only people who could possibly be affected by ads — and not just affected, but actually pushed into purchasing a particular product — are mindless souls with the brain capacity of rocks.

I don’t want to take anything away from these individuals, however. They have allowed many journalists to enjoy successful careers as composers of the warning labels that keep people from placing their hands in the path of rotating saw blades and preventing them from using blow-up Happy Meal toys as flotation devices when they head out on the river.

The bottom line is all of these corporations are simply wasting their money. The average person cannot be tricked or convinced into making a purchase based on a little poster on a CyRide bus.

Now, I am sure that the vast majority of you disagree with me. You believe with all your might that advertising can be a determining factor in somebody’s choice of a car or toothpaste. You think that the latest Gateway commercial will sell more computers, and the Wal-Mart ad inserted into Sunday’s paper will result in tons of people buying charcoal grills and Coleman coolers from the store.

You may even remember a time when you made a purchase because of a radio commercial or Internet pop-up screen.

Well, I am sorry to say that you are absolutely wrong. I will also take this time to refer to an earlier reference I made regarding the lack of brain capacity in rocks. Advertisements do not have the power to persuade people to buy products.

It does not matter what great item is being touted. It does not matter if one sitcom star or two aging sports heroes or three supermodels endorse the product. It does not matter even if 4 out of 5 dentists recommend it. Advertising is just not worth money for companies, regardless of the circumstances.

I have never, not even once, been persuaded by advertisements to buy anything.

Recently, I invested one hundred and fifty-some dollars into the latest Air Jordan sneakers, but my investment was not caused by a magazine ad. Granted, I did see several ads of the shoes. And come to think of it, the glossy pictures provided me with my first view of the footwear I just had to have.

They were all sleek-looking and stylish and … but my decision to go shopping for shoes later that day was not motivated in any way, shape, or form by that ad. I just realized that my tennis shoes were falling apart and didn’t look nearly as good as the new Air Jordans in the picture did.

I alone made the choice to go to the mall. It was totally my decision to go and try on the Jordans. And it was my independent, uninfluenced mind that made the decision to buy those sweet shoes, even though I now might not make rent this month.

But this was a necessary expense. I really needed shoes, even though I now realize the holes in my old sneaks are not as big as I remembered, and they don’t really look all that terrible.

Ok, so I did not really need the new shoes, but I really wanted them … after seeing them in the magazine ad.

See! I cannot be manipulated or pushed by advertisers. No American can — we are too smart and savvy a people to be played like that. What more proof do you need?

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go get a cell phone. I just saw this commercial and, apparently, women will be attracted to you if you have a cell phone with a cover of a certain color.

But I wonder what the magical color is? Just one more commercial, and I’m sure I’ll find out.

Dustin Kass

is a junior in journalism

and mass communication from Dubuque.