Nationwide, Americans are pudgier than ever. Some of the percentages are quite appalling, including the fact that more than 13 percent of children in this country aged 6 to 19 are overweight. Granted, the standards for judging a person’s healthy weight have been challenged. Currently, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention use a standard where any person who has a body mass index greater than 24 is considered to be overweight. As ABCNews.com points out, these standards classify Mel Gibson as fat, Barry Bonds as overweight, and both Shaquille O’Neal and the Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, fall into the obese category.

Regardless, we need to lose some weight, America. Now, we could do this with improved eating habits, more exercise and just generally healthier living, but that would require time, patience and dedication. We could also have widespread liposuction, but that would be a rather costly national endeavor.

No, the answer to all our problems is this: an amazing fad diet. There’s no shortage of them out in circulation. The carbohydrate-load fad diet. The liquids-only diet. The consume-only-things-that-have-grown-out-of-the-ground-and-even-avoid-eating-wildlife diet.

But these are too boring. We are a people who need to be excited, who need to be entertained if we are ever going to get anything accomplished. So, I have devised very possibly the greatest fad diet ever.

(Cue infomercial)

“Are you terribly, horribly, disgustingly overweight? Do you have trouble fitting into your old jeans? Your old sweatpants? Even your old baseball caps? Do you wish you could change the way you look?

“If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you’re probably fat according to the U.S. CDC standards. I mean, even Mel Gibson, who had a leading role in one of the greatest movies ever, ‘Braveheart,’ and who is found to be ‘dreamy’ by thousands of women around the world, is fat. So, what chance do you really have?

“Well, I have the solution to all your problems, a way to ward off the troubles of life, a means to escape the great cave of despair and emerge into the sweet light of joy. Introducing the new, terribly unhealthy fad diet: I call it the ‘Diet Cola Diet,’ or DCD.

“DCD is a revolutionary new diet that will revolutionize the eating habits of millions in its own revolutionary way. Journey with me as I lead you on my path to this great discovery. Picture a pristine meadow, the sun shining warmly on the back of your neck, a warm breeze gently blowing through your long, flowing hair, the birds singing the sweet songs of nature. A single deer emerges into a clearing in the lush forest, locking eyes with you for a single moment in time, your souls connecting, two wild spirits bound together for an instant.

“So, I was drinking a diet cola one day, pondering the great mysteries of life. I turned the can and gazed at the nutritional information. And to my amazement, I saw that there were …(cue dramatic music) … NO CALORIES! Yes, that’s right! No calories. Not one.

“So, I said to myself, ‘Dustin, the world needs to know about this. There a number of overweight people, many of whom don’t look overweight at all, but the CDC says they are, so they are. You must help them.” And I have made it my life’s mission to spread this message to all who are willing to hear it.

“Thus, here I stand before you — a simple man with a vision. The DCD will rock your world. Now, I can’t reveal the full formula to you today, because then you won’t spend outrageous amounts of money to purchase my book: “The Diet Cola Diet: All You Drink is Diet Cola.” But here’s just a little tease. (Picking up book) Day One: The world is beautiful. I’m also beautiful, even if I am overweight. Drink 12 cans of diet cola.

“But don’t take my word for my program. After all, it’s conceivable that my plan does not work at all, is terribly unhealthy and will lead you down an agonizing road to ultimate dehydration. Listen to these real people testifying how DCD has changed their lives.”

(Young woman) “The DCD is so easy, and it works. I went from a size 32 to a size 0 in just 28 short months! My bones are brittle because of the lack of calcium in my diet, but at least I’m skinny!”

(Middle-aged woman) “A couple dozen cavities are a small price to pay for the 20 pounds I dropped in just six weeks. Granted, much of that weight may have been a loss of water due to the extreme dehydration, but 20 pounds!!”

(Senior man) “I now have my sex drive back. Thank you, DCD!”

“Well, those testimonials don’t lie. So, if you want to lose weight, while doing absolutely nothing except consuming only diet cola, simply send 12 easy payments of $39.99 to the address on your screen. That’s right. You don’t have to exercise. You don’t have to exert any effort at all. Just follow my plan, and you’ll soon have the body you’ve always wanted, even if you will be incredibly frail and the weight will come back the instant you move back to solid food.

“DCD and Dustin — On a mission to shape up America!”

Dustin Kass

is a junior in journalism

and mass communication from Dubuque.