There’s one thing in this country that leads to more illegal gambling than any other. Not only that, but in the state of Iowa, it is known to cause normally talented individuals to act in bizarre and criminal ways.

This dangerous contributor to criminal behavior is a recent innovation, created by Dr. James Naismith at a YMCA — proving once and for all that something more is going on at the YMCA than the Village People would tell us. This game, this cult called basketball, has swept the nation. While many in the world can handle its effects, I think it is obvious to us in the state of Iowa that we simply cannot. Because like it or not, basketball seems to be an indicator of criminal tendencies.

It’s gotten to the point that the University of Iowa should print on the cover of their media guide: “Attention: The University of Iowa’s basketball players are innocent until proven guilty.” In fact, I can’t wait to see their jerseys this year. More players will be wearing orange than the god-awful black and gold jerseys. The list of their players that won’t be playing due to arrests for some offense or another reads like a starting roster for a mid-level Division I-A program: Brody Boyd at guard, Pierre Pierce at guard, Sean Sonderleiter at center. Then you can toss in guard Chauncey Leslie, who pleaded guilty to a disorderly house charge, but will not be suspended from the Hawkeyes, and just for good measure, the Cyclones’ own Omar Bynum at forward, and you’ve got yourself a starting five for the State of Iowa’s correctional facilities.

When you toss in the massive amount of illegal gambling that goes on in March with NCAA tournament pools, involving nearly everyone on the planet who knows nothing of college basketball and those of us who think we know enough to safely pick Iowa State over Hampton, it’s amazing the ATF hasn’t stormed Hilton Coliseum and started rounding up would-be criminals directly off the team buses.

As much as we can pretend this is merely a problem with Iowa City’s bunch of misfits, Iowa State has its own proud tradition. In the last seven years, we’ve had more than our share of Cyclones find their way into mischief. Among the highlights to search for include Belefia Parks walking out of Kmart with $1,000 worth of merchandise that wasn’t paid for, Travis Spivey punching a Hardee’s employee in the face (the charges were dropped), and a bizarre and sadly hilarious transcript of Kenny Pratt after being arrested — this one’s definitely worth finding, so use the search terms “flip flop punk ass” and it’ll be the only thing that will come up.

That doesn’t even touch on Michael Nurse or our once-beloved forward — now apparently the bodyguard of Fred Hoiberg — Marcus Fizer, who was arrested for having an unlicensed gun, quite loaded. No word yet on if he intended to use it to scare Tim Floyd as punishment for drafting him onto the Bulls.

How can we explain this crime wave? My answer: the fact that our coach, Larry Eustachy, has the worst fashion sense of any coach on earth. When was the last time Rick Pitino got caught in a mock turtleneck on the court swearing at refs? For any other coach, that’d be a scandal sheet. For the Cyclone faithful, it’s known as a day that ends with “y.” It’s probably run more often in practice than the pick ‘n’ roll.

That’s why I have a proposal. It may be our last chance to implement it before the crime spree continues. No college basketball for us or the University of Iowa, at least not of the men’s variety. Until the women’s team starts appearing on CourtTV, they can keep pounding Big 12 opponents and make Hilton interesting. The men’s team just needs a little bit of a timeout.

You can say that maybe this plan sounds good to me because I’m from Nebraska, where basketball is a repressed alternative lifestyle.

For you basketball fans, think of it this way: It’d give us another year to regroup. Since we’ve fallen under the radar in the Big 12, it’s been tough on you. We’re picked to finish seventh right now, just barely ahead of Baylor. Wouldn’t we rather spend our winter polishing a nice bowl game trophy?

Just think of how nice it will be when our team can come back next year after their one-year sentence. Just think of the other teams when they see the alleged Marcus Fizer waving his alleged gun on our alleged sidelines next year. Trust me, they’ll think twice about making that free throw.

If nothing else, maybe it’ll give Eustachy time to buy a sport coat.

Tim Kearns

is a senior in political science from Bellevue, Neb.