He is weaker than a carnie’s dental plan, slower than a fat kid in gym class and can barely step over the lines on the field in a single bound.

Entrusted to lead the Texas Longhorns to the football promised land, super-dud quarterback Chris Simms has frozen up like Napoleon’s army in Russia whenever he plays against a top 10 team.

With the Longhorns’ 35-24 loss against Oklahoma two weeks ago, Simms lost his fourth straight game against top 10 teams and his third straight against Oklahoma.

And with Simms at the helm against Iowa State this weekend, the 17th-ranked Cyclones might have a chance to pull an upset over the 7th-ranked Longhorns.

Forget that Texas gave Oklahoma all they could handle and Iowa State gave the same Sooner squad no more than a high school powder-puff game.

Mark my words, Simms will singlehandedly keep Iowa State close on Saturday.

The only reason the 6-foot-5, blond-haired wonderboy is starting is because his daddy, NFL star Phil Simms, “encouraged” Texas head coach Mack Brown to start his little boy.

You might say that a 21-5 career mark as a starter and 44 career touchdowns have a little to do with his playing time, because they do.

But those 21 wins against competition that Kansas State would love to put on its early season schedule certainly doesn’t hurt. It only helps him buy time until his next loss against quality competition.

Such competition has forced Simms into 15 turnovers and no touchdown passes against top 10 teams.

Against Oklahoma, Simms was 12-of-26 for 156 yards with three interceptions and four sacks, including one on the game’s final play.

He has bogged down the offense enough to where they rank ahead of only Baylor and Kansas in total yardage in the Big 12.

The Texas signal-caller started the season 5-0 against football juggernauts North Texas, North Carolina, Houston, Tulane and Oklahoma State.

His numbers were even respectable during that time as he used the weaker teams to once again pad his stats.

Think of a season in Super Tecmo Bowl.

While playing the Patriots, Colts and Jets, my Buccaneers can put up obscene yardage and points. But once defenses like the Giants, Bears and Chiefs knock at my door, I know that Vinny Testaverde and super tight end Ron Hall will hide under a rock. (LT and Derrick Thomas should not be that good.)

In Texas’ 17-14 win over Kansas State, Simms was 13-24 for 184 yards and two scores.

Chalk up this win to his wide receivers, though, as time and again his throws fluttered in the air like a wounded duck. Luckily for Simms, his all-world receivers were there to make him look good.

No matter what though, Simms will forever be remembered as the quarterback who could not win the big game. This season, he still has to play away games with Nebraska and Texas Tech, and a home game with Texas A&M. Four regular-season losses are definitely not out of the question.

And while that might be a decent season for some teams, wasting the talent of Roy Williams, B.J. Johnson, Cedric Benson and a great defense is enough to make someone spit teeth.

Ask Simms about how he wants to be remembered and you find out you get the answer of an apathetic kid.

“I don’t care about my damn legacy,” Simms said.

Well Chris, when you leave Texas and start your career as a third-string NFL quarterback because someone owes your dad a favor, no one will give a damn about your legacy either.

Zac Reicks

is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Lawler. He is the assignment sports editor of the Daily.