I really thought that Ames had as many opportunities as Iowa City until I asked around about getting Tasered for a journalism assignment. The Ames Police hadn’t even bought tasers and the ISUPD declined my request for various reasons that seemed to translate to: “This is a dumb idea.” So finally I called down to University Heights — a suburb of Iowa City — to see if they could help me out. UHPD Chief Brian Shimon gave a quick reply: “Sure, come on down and we’ll give you a whirl.”

The UHPD was the first Iowa police force to be Taser-certified, although in the two and a half years since they’ve started carrying the tasers, the UHPD has never used them, except on each other and curious journalists (I took the idea for this column from a U of I student writer).

They, and all the Iowa regent universities, use the M26, made by Taser International, who labels it as an “Electro-Muscular Disruption Weapon.” It is easily mistaken for a second gun on an officer’s belt and it operates in a similar fashion. It fires out two hooks at a distance of about 20 feet.

When the hooks connect, your body becomes a playground for the Taser’s 50,000 volts. Unlike previous Tasers, which caused a lot of pain, the M26 is special for causing a lot of pain AND completely overpowering the nervous center and muscular control (which is why I didn’t eat or drink for 12 hours before trying this). It’s so effective that the UHPD doesn’t bother carrying other non-lethal weapons.

After chewing out some girls brought in for underage drinking and sending them home, Shimon locked the entrance to the station, shut the blinds and pulled out his M26. I didn’t feel like having the metal hooks poking through my body, so he discharged the weapon into (I’m not kidding) a nearby doughnut box. He then attached one hook to my sweater and the other to the front pocket of my khakis. He asked me how long I wanted to “ride the bull.” Five seconds is what they (and the ISUPD) would give to an offender and is what Shimon had to suffer through several times in order to become a master instructor. I decided to take it for a couple of seconds based on the journalistic hunch that I needed to survive in order to write this column.

Shimon stood back with the Taser pointed at me and his finger on the trigger. Two officers who had stopped by to watch in amusement held my arms to prevent me from hitting the ground.

“Ready?” Shimon asked. I nodded and held my breath.

“1…2…HA!”

“Ha ha,” I laughed in an effort to get my heart down my throat. “Do it for real now.” So he did.

The first sensation I had, besides the immediate pain, was a “Where’d my body go?” feeling when I suddenly lost the ability to do anything except let out a wussy scream.

Shimon was right when he told me it felt like a jackhammer. The only thing my brain could focus on outside of the pain was the awful “ZAP” sound the taser made, indicating that another nasty electrical pulse, known as a “T-Wave”, was traveling down the wires to whoop the absolute crap out of me.

But then it was all over and I let out a laugh in relief.

I was dazed for a few seconds and my crotch and chest were slightly numb, but things went back to normal quickly and I almost forgot (or repressed) what had just happened.

One of the officers who had held me up hadn’t been tasered before (it’s a requirement in order to be Taser-certified), so I got to return the favor by keeping his body from crumpling to the floor as Shimon zapped him. He belted out an “OH S—!” and followed it with other choice words when it was over.

By this time, most of the officers on duty had come in for what was obviously a great show. I felt better meeting tougher guys than me who readily admit to screaming “like a little girl” during their own taser experiences. Shimon was jokingly pointing the taser at them and they would instinctively take cover. For kicks, I let Shimon try the taser’s contact mode on me, when he pressed the weapon against my leg. I screamed again and thought I lost a chunk of my leg. I limped around for a minute and had a couple of burn marks that are still on my thigh today.

The M26 lives up to its billing. The pain was intense and the shock incapacitating.

After the short time that I experienced it, I felt absolutely no after effects or trauma (besides the small burn marks). Beforehand, I almost considered having my mom drive me to the station and back just in case I was too disabled to do so myself, but I was able to drive fine and even managed to avoid running over the drunken Iowa fans (which is still considered a crime there) who had lost track of the sidewalk and the traffic laws.

So I’m glad the ISUPD here is equipped with the M26. It’s powerful and it’s safe for both officer and offender, and it should be enough to stop any non-lethal confrontation. Hopefully, it should prevent them too; if you’ve never listened to the ISUPD before, at least trust them when they say that getting tasered is a dumb idea.

Dan Nguyen

is a senior in computer engineering and journalism

and mass communication from Iowa City.