After the brutal attack on Kansas City Royals first-base coach Tom Gamboa at Comiskey Park, baseball reeled with a lot of questions.

The question of security loomed large, almost as large as the question “Why were the Royals still playing? They’ve been statistically eliminated from the playoffs since before spring training.”

Nonetheless, since at this point it is only one incident, and there is no sign that such an occurrence will happen again any time soon, it is obviously clear that there is a need for drastic action.

But what kind of drastic action could possibly solve this epidemic?

That’s easy. It’s clear that it’s time for racial profiling.

I know, I know. I’ve heard all the arguments. Racial profiling is “unconstitutional,” whatever that means.

Maybe it’s “unjust,” but without a major crackdown, we could have a problem that makes it impossible for a family to enjoy a baseball game, unless it’s another family of wacky assailants.

Nonetheless, the statistics are so staggering that racial profiling is a must, and a crackdown is necessary today.

For instance, look at these statistics: Attacks on Tom Gamboa at Comiskey Park from year 500 B.C. – 2001 A.D. = 0. Attacks on Tom Gamboa in 2002 = 1.

That’s an increase of infinity percent this year, clearly showing that this is not a minor problem.

To further illustrate the point, consider this.

Of the entire population sample of Tom Gamboa assailants at Comiskey Park, 100 percent of them are white. Even more alarmingly, 100 percent of assailants at least claim to be White Sox fans.

The answer is clear. At least at Comiskey Park, if not everywhere, White Sox fans should not be allowed in, as they pose an infinite danger to Tom Gamboa.

For that matter, whites as a race have no place there.

Granted, we should have seen this coming.

White people, as a general rule, have been responsible for most of the world’s atrocities, at least the ones that show up on CNN, because the general public knows nothing of African affairs.

Think about it. Stalin, Hitler, Martha Stewart, Bernie Ebbers, and the entire 1919 Chicago White Sox team responsible for the Black Sox scandal – what do they have in common?

Let me tell you, it’s not war crimes.

They were all members of one race.

It doesn’t stop there. Dillinger, Capone, Gotti – all crackers responsible for acts that would make anyone’s skin crawl.

We can profile on airlines all we want, but we aren’t really covering ourselves enough.

Sure, the hijackings of September 11 and the fated Lockerbie, Scotland flight were perpetrated by men of Middle Eastern descent, but who made up most of the whiny first-class passengers?

Who make up over 90 percent of corporate CEOs in America, including the CEOs of Enron, Tyco, WorldCom, General Motors, and basically any company that’s treated its stockholds and workers like chattel?

The evidence is mounting pretty quickly.

The need for racial profiling is out there. It’s just that we’re profiling the wrong people. It’s you and I, cracker America, that we need to be worried about.

Be on the lookout for the following warning signs: Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirts, Barry Manilow concert attendance, blonde hair, blue eyes, prominent positions in national politics (yes, this includes you, J.C. Watts), the ownership of mobile command vehicles retrofitted to use more gas and block out the sun on America’s highways, also known as SUVs, and the most surefire sign – being John Ashcroft.

None of these signs are conclusive, to be certain, because as even Mr. Ashcroft would admit, there’s probably someone wearing a turban somewhere that isn’t a terrorist. Nonetheless, all of these signs are probably worth informing the FBI, CIA, or at least your mother about.

Do you want to find someplace safe? I recommend hotbeds of white exclusion like East St. Louis, Gary, Indiana, and basically most run-down inner cities.

It’s obvious that the time has come.

It’s either time to start profiling the Michael Bolton fans or time to stop doing it to everyone else. Sorry, Tom Gamboa.

The statistics may look nice, but for now, we’ll wait. Maybe you’ll want to put some more minorities in those expensive seats along the first base line.

Hell, most people would be happy to get good seats.

It’s only the real white trash that still isn’t happy there.

Tim

Kearns

is a senior in political

science from Bellevue, Neb.