I’m an idiot for not checking my e-mail more often. Not only do I miss out on easy money-making ideas and Webcam shows featuring many kinds of legal relationships, but I also miss out on all of the latest scientific developments. The best one yet came in my inbox just the other day, telling me that I could “Be Taller – At ANY Age!”

This is groundbreaking news to me. Being taller was one of my dreams – like flying a spaceship or world peace – that I just gave up on when I became 18 and reality settled in. Apparently, scientists, who by the way can’t even estimate the age of the universe or cure cancer, were completely wrong about our “growth potential” as adults.

For those of you who tower over my 5’6″, this might sound pretty superficial. Maybe you’re tired of hitting your head on doorways or you’ve seen all the pictures of Mini-Me in the Playboy Mansion and you think that being short might actually be fun. Well, aside from being able to stretch out on an economy class flight even when they stuff you in the overhead compartment, there are many disadvantages to being short. Studies show that we are short-changed when it comes to salaries (up to $600 per inch). We have fewer and shorter relationships, which fits well with our shorter average lifespan. And then if that weren’t bad enough, we get dweebs like George Costanza (5’5″), Sisqo (5’5″) and Richard Simmons (5’4″) who make the rest of us short people want to violently campaign for less representation in the media.

The desire to be tall is so great that China and Japan are currently caught up in an epic rivalry that threatens to upset a billion stomachs. For centuries, China has been getting a kick out of referring to the Japanese as “dwarves”, but thanks to a better balanced diet, the Japanese have overtaken the Chinese. The Chinese weren’t about to give up the title of “Tallest Country besides Russia, United States, Canada, most of Europe and Africa, etc.” so they created a national milk-drinking program that requires each child to drink a quarter-pint of milk a day. This isn’t such a big deal except for the fact that most Chinese are lactose-intolerant. I just hope China wins this competition before the entire Earth drowns in the resulting diarrhea flood or suffocates from the cloud of lactose-induced gas.

Thankfully, in America at least, we have the God-given right to choose how we want to be humiliated and for what price. Here are just a few of the height-enhancement schemes that are being sold out there:

* Vitamins, minerals, and amino acids ($63.99 for a 30-day supply from www.heightmax.com)

* Magnetic insoles to stimulate the growth hormones in your feet. ($50 from www.growtaller.net)

* “Zenith Grow” skin patches to put on your neck, which will “work for your desired height without you even knowing.” (www.beautyforever.com.sg/)

* Hypnosis, to create better “cellular communication with the cells in your body” ($99 for compact disc, www.wendi.com)

* Jumping. Lots of jumping. ($40 for a guide on jumping, from beyondthelimit123.cjb.net)

Maybe you’re asking yourself, “Sure, all these methods have many scientific-sounding words behind them and I don’t mind paying the fees, but what’s really the most effective and expensive way to increase my height?” The surprisingly simple answer is the medieval torture device known as “the rack,” which, using a system of pulleys and rollers, stretches your body in opposite directions until you reach your desired length.

Ha ha, just kidding. We’re not living in the Middle Ages any more, dummy. Today’s technique is much more modern and humane. It’s called “leg-lengthening” and can cost up to $2000. First, the doctor breaks your leg in two and attaches an external metal frame to each half of the leg with wires that poke through your skin. Then, with a turn of the screw, the frame pulls apart, causing your broken leg to pull apart.

The theory is that little bone molecules will move in and have bone molecule families and bone molecule communities until the two pieces of leg are together as one happy leg-bone. You’ll get to feel all of this happening in minute detail since pain-killers slow bone growth and thus aren’t used. The whole procedure will leave you in a wheelchair for half a year or so, unless it fails-then you get to stay in a wheelchair your entire life.

To be honest, I was pretty happy with the way I was but now that I know about all these opportunities to change my height, I can’t wait to try them all. Plus, all the advertisements have fully convinced me that I have about as much worth as a lip wart to all you tall people if I don’t make an effort to close the height gap.

But in the interest of journalistic integrity, I am required to tell you that these methods will work just as well for tall people. And because I’m a nice person, I’ll let you guys try them first.

Dan

Nguyen

is a senior in computer

engineering and journalism

and mass communication from Iowa City.