I know a lot of times I’ve probably come off sounding like I don’t like our president or his plans to wreak havoc on every amendment to the Constitution. But this weekend, I too found suspicious behavior.

Not suspicious like, say, witnesses in a mob murder trial disappearing, but suspicious like a good team being a 3 1/2 point underdog to another team that hadn’t played an opponent outside of the Mid-American conference, or even looked all that impressive in those games.

It all began at a restaurant, and I heard suspicious talk from these men, obviously of Middle Western descent. “They lucked out because of September 11 last year. We’ll make them pay on September 14.” Could these people be terrorists?

Normally, I’d be a skeptic, just like I am about virtually everything, from the stability of the economy to whether the new color of M&Ms really is purple. But I’ve been inundated with the war on terrorism, and all the news is talking about is Bush telling the United Nations that we need to strike back, much like that empire in the similarly titled film of 1980.

Certainly they were dressed like fanatical lunatics, with this bizarre contrast of black and gold, looking like Goths with a desperate need for attention. Strike two, I thought. They’ve clearly got some hell-bent desire to ruin everything that’s good and just in this country, or at least in the state of Iowa.

Finally, I did the most obvious thing you would do to any suspected terrorists, and sniffed the trunk. Needless to say, it smelled like a fraternity carpet. Having never been invited inside the greek community for more than a few hours at a time, I have to assume the worst. After all, I’m not a terrorist. Maybe that’s why they weren’t interested in me and my liver. Nonetheless, it’s obvious. These guys are terrorists.

Rather than acting like that reactionary down in Georgia and just calling the feds, I decided to tail them for a while, get a feel for what they were planning and maybe see what they had in store for us decent Americans.

They, like those Floridian would-be terrorism suspects, decided to travel by interstate, but it’s clear they wanted to get away from me so they could go spread nefarious messages, warp some young minds, and do all the awful things that infidels will do. I managed to make it to I-35, and followed them to I-80, and the awful destruction began.

Lives weren’t lost, though if the mass of inferiority complex-ridden Goths had their way, those bold members of the resistance in the stadium would have been wiped away in a second. This was clearly a cult bent on total annihilation. It was not enough for them to succeed; we also had to fail. But this axis of evil was stopped, they got clumsy, and after a while, I couldn’t see my suspects. Though there was still time on this ticking time bomb they’d begged for, my suspects left early, probably to go plot their revenge on some other less alert civilians, maybe from Indiana or Illinois.

As for these mysterious Middle Westerners, I reported them to my local terrorism hunter, and crikey, it turned out they were nothing to worry about. These were just a couple of med students, and the smell in their backseat was just Keystone Light. They’re still talking big, though, saying “wait until next year.” Faux terrorists are ruthless.

This call was close, and justice prevailed. Let’s hope it always will.

And honestly, who really wears black and gold?

Tim

Kearns

is a senior in political science from Bellevue, Neb.