So you skipped the Nebraska-Iowa State football game this weekend because you had a project due on Monday. You foolishly thought that you could not waste an entire Saturday tailgating, going to the game and then celebrating Iowa State’s victory. Thus, you missed the greatest game held in Ames in the last 10 years. All of this could have easily been avoided by procrastinating.

Procrastination is a fine art that far too few students really use. I procrastinate consistently, and it has never failed me (except for a couple times when I fell asleep in the middle of my late-night conquest over a given assignment).

But procrastination can be a difficult art to master. So, in the interest of all the students at this great university, here are some tips to allow you to procrastinate more effectively:

* Be awake and alert

A procrastinator’s worst enemy when your motivation finally arrives can be the overwhelming urge to sleep. Never is sleep more seducing than the night of the big assignment. Take a quick nap. A few extra minutes of sleep will leave you refreshed, invigorated and thoroughly primed to make it appear as if you’ve spent days, not hours, working on your assignment. In case you still feel tired, have on hand an ample supply of caffeinated beverages and candy. Other methods to wake yourself up include taking a shower, going for a short stroll, doing a few push-ups and fiercely rubbing salt into a convenient, open wound. You’re not sleepy any more, are you?

* Minimize the stress

Procrastination can put a person under a great deal of stress. Apparently, the fact that an assignment worth 25 percent of the final grade was given three months ago and you are just now starting it hours before the deadline makes some people a little nervous. Deal with it. You can punch a pillow (or a roommate, though this is not recommended), squeeze a rubber ball or any piece of fruit you can get your hands on, take a shower, listen to music or go for a walk. I personally relieve my procrastination stress by putting on a pair of headphones and turning up my music until my brain’s futile attempts to continue worrying finally cease.

* Fulfill other needs first

Once it’s time to do an assignment, procrastinators have no time to spare. You can avoid unnecessary pauses by taking care of your body just as the last minute frenzy begins. Eat, drink, go to the bathroom. Gather all of the needed materials, find an ideal spot for working, and adjust your chair to the “highly productive” position. When you are at last truly ready to work, channel all of your energy and effort into producing a scholarly piece that will surpass those produced by all the students who planned ahead and are now fast asleep.

* Keep your professor in the dark

Professors do not seem to care for the procrastinator. Even though an assignment is to be judged on its merits alone, some professors will grade a procrastinator’s work tougher than the rest of the class, perhaps insulted that a student would have the audacity to wait until the night before to complete an assignment. Thus, it is essential to avoid this truthful but potentially harmful label.

Make sure the date on your assignment is not accurate. As a rule of thumb, I always make my “completion” date at least two days before the assignment was actually due.

Make loud comments within hearing range of your instructor about how you completed the assignment early. These comments do not need to be directed to anyone in particular, though another student should be in the immediate vicinity if you wish to avoid another particularly damaging label: mentally imbalanced. Comments like “I’ve had this done for days” and “I slept for ten hours last night” will work, but avoid phrases such as “I most definitely was not up until 5 this morning trying to get this lousy assignment finished, desperately trying to stave off sleep with numerous caffeinated beverages.”

Finally, clean up before you head off to class. Instructors may identify the unshaven, unbathed, puffy-eyed student dozing in their class as someone who stayed up all night completing the big assignment. The shaven, bathed student dozing in their class will simply be part of the majority.

Dustin

Kass

is a junior in journalism

and mass communication from Dubuque.