Hey kiddies, you like the rock and roll, don’t ya? Well, guess what. Two of the coolest bands today are out on tour together.

That’s right. Queens of the Stone Age and Trail of Dead have hooked up to spread their message all across this great country of ours.

You better hurry out and get your tickets – they’re going fast.

Oh wait. You can’t – because they’re not coming to Iowa. In fact, you’re not going to get away with driving less than three hours to catch this prolific pairing.

Yours truly decided it’d be a wonderful idea to jump in the car and drive twice that time, to see QOTSA and TOD tear a hole in the walls of the ber-anesthetic St. Louis venue, The Pageant. The name just sounds pretty, doesn’t it?

Well, rock this gritty and dirty (it’s a good thing) has a way of feeling the slightest bit awkward in a place like this.

Backstage, the walls are covered with pictures of the venue’s owner with such musicians as Edwin McCain and Rick Springfield. You know, the really hard rockers.

Trail of Dead never disappoints – at least not those who get it. The band opened the night with a set consisting mostly of songs from its recent release, “Source Tags and Codes.”

Trail of Dead is a somewhat unique band in that it’s made almost entirely of multi-instrumentalists. Everyone touched a guitar at some point in the night and only guitarist Kevin Allen never stepped up to take lead vocals.

Everywhere they go, people expect Trail of Dead to break stuff. And tonight the band seemed to feel justified. Towards the end of the set, the group became infuriated with the audience members seated in the balcony and at the bar in the back.

After repeatedly flipping the bird and yelling “Fuck you” to various sections of the crowd, Conrad Keely began his speech.

“You see all those people up there?” he said to the crowd standing in front of the stage.

“That’s what you’re going to be when you grow up, a boring fucker in a bar.”

After a few more pointed chants of “Fuck you,” the song ended and Keely explained that he prayed some of the audience would remain true.

“At least we hope that won’t happen to you,” he said. “That’s our aspiration for you all.”

During the last song’s orgy of feedback, profanity, and guitar riffs, the destruction began.

It wasn’t long before the stage was strewn with fallen cymbals, torn drumheads, and toppled amplifiers.

Jason Reece, who spent most of the night behind the kit, came to the front of the stage and even went as far as to launch a water bottle directly into the balcony, while bassist Neil Busch repeatedly sang, “Boring motherfuckers, give us anything.”

After the wreckage was cleared, Queens of the Stone Age took the stage to a semi-remix of their song “Feel Good Hit of the Summer,” sparking those holding to burn their joints before the familiar refrain of “Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol,” filled the room.

Kids in Foo Fighters shirts were visibly disappointed to realize the man behind the kit wasn’t Dave Grohl, “bestest drummer in the whole wide universe.” The Nirvana drummer stepped down from his role as front man for the Foos to hit the skins for QOTSA on the new CD, “Songs for the Deaf,” and the subsequent summer club tour.

Fortunately, tonight’s replacement was no less bombastic, presumably because he was playing Grohl’s parts by rote.

Thank God Mark Lannegan was in attendance. No QOTSA set list would be complete without his vocal contributions on “Hanging Tree” and “Song for the Dead.” The enigmatic Screaming Trees front man came out for his songs, serenely standing at the microphone before disappearing back into the shadows, much like Batman.

The only two permanent members of QOTSA, bassist/singer Nick Oliveri and singer/guitarist Josh Homme, proved why they’re the driving creative force behind the band. It’s hard to imagine anyone embodying rock more than Oliveri, with his Satan-goatee and bald head. His growly method of singing played a nice contrast to Homme’s smooth vocals.

So is there any real hope of either of these bands to come through Iowa and rock the worlds of the ready and willing?

Troy Van Leeuwen, guitarist and keyboard player for QOTSA and A Perfect Circle, says anything is possible.

“Leave no stone unturned,” he says. “You have to reach everyone.”

That possibility may just be all that more feasible – Van Leeuwen says QOTSA will be on tour for the foreseeable future.

“I don’t see an end in sight,” he says.

“I’m cool with that. That’s the whole point.”