Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Iowa State, a place full of knowledge, beer and lots of other things that you’ll probably drown yourself in during the duration of your education here.

For those of you who thought high school was just like “Saved by the Bell,” just think of college as “Saved by the Bell: The College Years,” meaning that for many of you, it will only run for six weeks.

I know the first week of classes is particularly rigorous, and since it’s Tuesday, you’re facing your second consecutive day of brand-new classes, brand-new professors and brand-new attractive people who distract you from those classes and professors.

As all these things are vying for your time, you barely have the opportunity to do things like read the newspaper. Nonetheless, for those of you who do, you’re in luck, because today is the day where I will teach all of you, of all ages and grade levels, how to not screw things up for yourself at college. We might as well get started, so that way next week I can go back to spreading the bias of the awful big bad liberal media.

First tip: go to class. You’re paying for this, or not (in which case, see tip #3), but anyway, the filthy lucre that’s paying for you to get an education you’ll never use is coming from somewhere. Anyway, the point is that someone’s paying dearly for your time here at class, so you should probably go.

Though there are people who can get away with not going to class, they’re called professors, and it’s called “sick leave.” When you don’t go to class, it’s called “the seven-year plan.”

Second tip: bikes and buses are evil. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as much of a Green party tree-fondling fan of non-polluting vehicles as anyone, but you’re already equipped with one of two non-polluting vehicles: legs or a wheelchair. Use them. The ISU campus isn’t that big, and a bike will actually slow you down, when you consider how long it’ll take you to unlock your bike, lock it, and dodge hundreds of people who are right in your biking path, a bike will only slow you down.

As for buses, they’re for people who live far away. They’re not for people who live in Maple-Willow-Larch who need to go to Carver Hall. Again, that’s what legs are for. Buses are for people who live off-campus, meaning Nevada (the state, not the town).

Thirdly, for you non-paying fiends, get your hand out of mommy’s purse. If you’re the kind of person who can just ask his parents for money whenever you want a case of beer or a new fraternity or house t-shirt, just save everyone a lot of agony and get a job. Even if you’re willing to buy your friends stuff with your parents’ money, you’re still a punk. Get at least a job that can make it look like you’re not a total leech.

You should be able to make college a fun time. You’ll probably never get the chance to interact with as many celebrities as you will at Iowa State. In my first year alone, I made Al Gore laugh and was told by Michael Moore that I had a good haircut. Granted, you probably won’t do quite this well, but you’ll get to see big name celebrities like Lewis Black, Henry Rollins and every person who’s even considered running for president in the four or more years you’ll be here.

If it doesn’t go well, you’ll never have more of a support structure than you have right now. You can get free legal help, free counseling and God knows what else if you dig deep enough.

Even better, you have an entire university’s worth of professors and advisers who are paid to listen to you bitch and help get your problems solved.

Professors are there to teach you, but if you aren’t there, odds are, they won’t be much longer either. Don’t exploit this knowledge, but feel free to make use of everyone who’s there to help you.

College is a time of excess. Odds are, no matter what your vice is: sex, drugs, booze, bigotry, religious hypocrisy or writing clich‚d columns to open the fall semester, if you don’t stop it, it will get enormously worse.

But if you take control and treat people with respect, get your work done and make something of yourself, you’ll probably get out of here in four years, after the economy’s taken an upswing and you’ll actually be able to find jobs.

So, let me be the 343rd person to welcome you to Iowa State. Also, let me be the first to tell you that if you come within 100 yards of me on your bike, I’ll sue.

Thanks.

Tim Kearns

is a senior in political science from Bellevue, Nebraska.