Dear Tom Ridge, Department of Homeland Security:

If this letter seems frantic, it’s only because what I have as of late been discovering. If you could see the piles and piles of maps, recorded conversations, photographs and countless notebooks I have gathered, you would be amazed. Once you sort through it all and discover the even greater amount of information this stockpile contains, however, you will be both thankful and shocked.

I am rambling on, though. Let me tell you how this has come to pass. It started just over a week ago when I learned of the new program you and the Bush administration are proposing, Operation TIPS. The TIPS program (Terrorism Information and Prevention System), the latest great new idea from y’all in the administration, is a voluntary program set up so that we citizens can report any suspicious activity we may find in the environment we live in.

Right away, as soon as I found out about this, I became extra vigilant. Not that I hadn’t been on the lookout for suspicious activity already, but it wasn’t until last week that I began to record my findings.

What I have discovered is, as I’ve said, nothing short of amazing and scary. I mean, here I was, in little Ames, Iowa, thinking that I was perfectly safe, when all along I’ve been in what must be THE hot spot for terrorist activity.

I don’t know yet quite what to make of everything, only that it must be dangerous. I have written everything over the last week in a journal, and I’ve included my findings here. I think that they speak for themselves.

Day 1

The hunt is on! Must find terrorists and their hideouts. As of yet, I have no suspects, except maybe the guy who works at the gas station, the dark-skinned fella. I will proceed with extreme caution. Until I know otherwise, everyone is a suspect! Must remain vigilant and show resolve!

Day 2

Have been walking in and around Iowa State’s campus all day. I have a feeling my math professor is up to something. The other day I went to his office only to find him and several of his Arab colleagues in some sort of meeting.

They seemed to leave quickly when they saw me coming. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, as if they were communicating in some sort of other language. Perhaps a code? A further investigation of the math and computer science departments of the university has revealed that the faculty are almost entirely foreigners, with lots of the dark-skinned types, all speaking to each other in that same crazy code.

Day 3

Too much activity to fully report! I will, however, remain vigilant and do my best. Day began with a run-in with paperboy. I’ve never noticed before, but he seems to be fairly dark-skinned. Followed him through the rest of his “route” and watched as he seemed to throw several “papers” into a trash bin! Further investigation discovered that they really were papers. I later watched as he took two breaks, one to urinate on apartment complex wall and the second to meet with another “paperboy” to “smoke cigarettes.” They both appeared nervous and afraid of being seen. A secret meeting?

Later in the day, I spotted a group of young people in sandals and baggy clothes. Although they did smell funny, they turned out to be hippies, not terrorists.

Day 4

Ahhh! Darkies everywhere! I had a suspicious feeling about my new neighbor across the hall, and it seems that suspicion has now been confirmed. Dark hair and mustache definitely make him seem Arabic; skin may have been altered to look lighter.

End of journal. For now.

I want to be a good citizen. I bleed red, white, and blue. Mostly red, really, I mean, as I’m no alien. Anyway, I hope this serving of extra vigilance with a side of super resolve isn’t too much. I just want to help.

Also, I hope you can get back to me soon. After all of the discoveries I made last week, I haven’t been able to leave my house. I lost my job after I was caught listening in on several of my co-workers’ telephone calls.

There was some talk of pressing charges, but I don’t think they’ll pan out. This is a free country, right? Shouldn’t I be allowed to keep watch over all of these people who are blind to the threat all around them? That is, unless they are terrorists, too. You don’t think they could be terrorists, do you? Surely not all of them.

Maybe I should just deliver this to you myself. I don’t think I trust the mailman anymore. He’s got a beard.

No, the post office won’t work. You know they raised the price of stamps to thirty-seven cents, and three plus seven is ten. That’s one more than nine and one less than eleven.

Oh my God, there it is, 9-11! Why didn’t I see this earlier! I can only hope this reaches you before it’s too late.

Your vigilant watchdog,

P.L. O’Bryan

Patrick O’Bryan is a senior in English from Indianola.