Fellow disillusioned human:

Welcome to Old-School International, the only organization in the world living completely old school. Here at Old-School International, we believe that we have for too long been let down by this New-School world and have come to accept that our involvement in such a world is no longer desired, neither by us nor by those whose digitally enhanced lives have taken away such great things as Ataris and typewriters.

What exactly is Old-School International?

Old-School International is a small but dedicated group of old-school supporters who, in 1993, were brought together by their obsession with perhaps the single greatest musical act of all time, Billy Ocean.

These members, myself included, quickly discovered that their friendship and commonalties lay far beyond such great hits as “Caribbean Queen,” “Get Outta My Dreams” and “The Going Gets Tough.”

We felt betrayed by the oncoming Digital Age and incredible pace of change, constantly forcing us to each day reevaluate our fashion sense.

One day it would be Reebok Pumps, and the next day it was Nike Air Jordans. Needless to say, it was too much. From then on we have grown without growing and survived completely within the bygone years of 1979-1984, that is, the year the Sugar Hill Gang was brought together to the year of Nice N Smooth’s John “June Love” Butter’s tragic murder.

By now, you are probably wondering what Old-School International can do for you.

Besides being a network of friends for discussion and support, Old-School International can help you piece back together the life you once had and loved.

Each month, we hold forums where every member is invited to discuss and bring in new ideas that will further each person’s quest towards total Old Schoolness. Recent forums include topics such as “Kickin’ it or Bustin’ it,” “Raising an Old-School family in a New School neighborhood” and “Run D.M.C. vs. Funkmaster Flex: Who is the most Old-School?”

We also have a number of other events planned for the coming year.

This year we have managed to arrange for a special members-only event at Meskwaki Bingo and Casino featuring two of the original five members of the Sugar Hill Gang! You’ll be blown away as Master Gee and Wonder Mike have you waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care and kicking it seriously old-school with such hits as “Rapper’s Delight” and many more hits they may have had.

We have also managed to get two of old school hip-hop’s greatest sidekicks, Flava-Flav and DJ Jazzy Jeff, to participate in a special debate, “Old-School Hip-hop and Eastern Europe: How Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five brought down the Wall.”

Be sure not to miss the free break dancing lessons offered by DJ Kool Herc and the b-boys. We are all excited to learn hand-spins and windmills from the same people who brought us the great moves on such films as “Breakin'” and “Breakin’ II.” This year looks promising indeed!

At Old-School International we also provide a means to better enhance your old school ways.

Can’t find floppy disks for your Commodore 64?

Lost your copy of “Pong?”

Outgrown that sweet satin-green Adidas jumper?

We provide a list of retailers (mostly Goodwill and Salvation Army stores) specializing in Old -School supplies and equipment.

In addition, every six months you will receive our Old-School catalog, packed full of everything from Swatch watches to leg warmers. We also have a large selection of LPs from all your favorite old-school artists, from Biz Markie to Whodini, and, of course, Billy Ocean.

Rest assured that at Old-School International we have no Web sites and few technological advances.

We make sure not to embrace anything until it has become overly obsolete and pass‚.

So if you find yourself stuck in the miraculous years we like to call Old School, can’t seem to find copies of your favorite movie “Electric Boogaloo” on BetaMax or long for the days of gold finger-knuckles and boom-boxes, you’ll love what Old-School International has to offer you.

Once again, thank you for your interest,

P.L. “Muthagrabbin’ Funkmaster” O’Bryan,

President and founder.

Patrick O’Bryan is a senior in English from Indianola.