To my 14-year-old self:

What are you doing right now? Seriously. If you are doing what I think you are, you’d better quit it. You’ll go blind, you know.

I’m a 24-year-old now. Well, you, I mean we, we are 24 now and so far, things are going well. It hasn’t been this way for the entire ten years, but all in all, I can’t complain. It’s been a good decade.

I won’t tell you too much about it. I know from the movie “Back to the Future” that knowing too much about your own future could get you into a lot of trouble. Despite the warnings of good ol’ Doc Brown I will, however, offer up some advice of a different kind that you might find helpful.

You are at that age when we were totally against listening to the advice people gave us. Unless it came from other people our own age, MTV or Jack Kerouac, I know you won’t listen to it. That’s OK, I’m not asking you to quit questioning everything, but just try and listen every once and a while. You don’t have to make everything an argument.

I know it’s been ten years since I’ve really known you, but maybe I have something to offer. Honestly, I really care about you, and I think you’ll appreciate it. I know in hindsight I would have, and since I am you, well, just read this.

First of all you’re what, a freshman in high school? By now you’ve heard people tell you over and over again, “Ah, high school, the best years of your life, better enjoy them before you get into the Real World.” Let me tell you, that’s total crap. Ten years later I can honestly say those were NOT the best years of our life.

They were great and all, don’t get me wrong. Like the first time we got laid. No wait, that kind of sucks. It was cool at the time, sure, but it definitely gets better. The time we went to Mexico with some friends and the van broke down and we ended up sleeping in a wetland preserve was cool. Those were good times. But the best times? No. Hell no.

After high school, you’ll go to college (I don’t think I’m spoiling anything here; you really don’t think you have any options besides college yet). When you get to college, it’s the same thing all over. “Best years of your life.”

College is fine, it’s pretty easy, you get to meet a lot of people and there are tons of good-looking girls. Girls that put all those high school beauty queens to shame. So quit thinking of the stupid ways you’ll try to win over Amy Stutkins. I’ll warn you now: she ends up dropping out of some out-of-state school, gains about a hundred pounds and marries some loser that still can’t get over the time his high school football team won state. Stay away from Amy Stutkins!

Sleep with every other girl that comes your way, though. Don’t be picky. You’re not as cool as you think you are. Besides, you’re bound to overlook some really choice picks, like Steph Macon. You think she’s nothing to write home to Mom about now, but I just saw her last month and damn! Get on that quick.

I know no matter what I tell you, you’re bound to be a flop with the ladies, but let me try and get you to at least go out more. We have some wild times, sure, but then you get married and, not that it sucks, but you end up staying home a lot more than you ever thought you would. So as soon as that fake ID comes your way, treat it with the respect it deserves. It is you and your friends’ golden wrapper – the winning ticket.

Don’t try and kill yourself or anything, but don’t think that you have to wait until the weekend to have a good time. I know you aren’t going to study, and I don’t blame you. Instead of staring at the J.C. Penney lingerie ad, scanning old National Geographics for naked women hunting and gathering or trying to get better reception on Skinemax, call up your friends on a Thursday night, find a dirt road and have some fun.

There are about a thousand other things I wish you would do. Most of them go against the advice everyone else is telling you.

Don’t buy that Honda, it poops out in about a year and then you’re stuck paying for a car that won’t run. Don’t be afraid to get in a few fights. Don’t end up in the hospital or anything, but you really should try and toughen up. As it turns out, you stay out of most people’s way and don’t cause a lot of trouble. That’s OK, but 10 years later you’re kind of a pussy.

Sorry. The truth hurts.

Try to see a Nirvana concert. I won’t tell you why exactly, but you will definitely thank me. Don’t worry about getting a job. They don’t pay anything in the end, and even though you aren’t going to study, it really wouldn’t hurt to at least try now and then.

I mean, come on, Patrick, we’re 24 now and still an undergraduate, which ought to tell you something about where your study habits will get you.

Finally, try to be a little nicer to Mom. I don’t think you realize (I know you don’t) how hard she is working, and we’ll both feel better if you just say thank you every once and a while.

Oh, and one more thing: take your paper route money and buy some stock in Microsoft. Just make sure you sell whatever you’ve got by 2001.

Take care,

P.L. O’Bryan, aka “You”

Patrick O’Bryan is a senior in English from Indianola.