Dear President Bush,

Before I get to the bad news, let me start by saying “Hooray USA.” It’s my new slogan. I might make it into a bumper sticker and, if I have room, put it on my car between “Die Commie Scum” and “Unless You’re a Hemorrhoid Get off My Ass.” I’ll make sure not to cover up “NRA 4Ever.”

Yep, the US of A sure does kick tail, and it’s all because of you, el presidente. I don’t know who else would’ve handled things in Afghanistan like you did. Sure, we may have hit a few innocent Arabs, but look what they all did to us. I don’t see how people can complain.

Unfortunately, like I said, I’ve got some real bad news. I heard a speech you gave about keeping all those greedy scientists from cloning humans. You said no human life should have to die to benefit another, and, sir, that’s right on (except for all those crazy Arabs).

The thing is, I think that you might be too late. I think that those no-God-havin’ scientists have already managed to cook up some cloned life forms. They probably did it in some Godless Chinese Lab, where they don’t even care about life at all. I know it sounds too horrible to be true, and believe me, I truly thought it was a nightmare, but it is for real. I saw it with my own eyes.

Let me say at this point that my eyesight is 110 percent great. Even though I was never in the military, I’m sure if I was I probably would have been one of those snipers or sharpshooters. That’s how good my eyes are, really. So you can believe me when I tell you that what happened next was verifiably frightening.

Last week I was going through my old clothes and trying to get rid of as much old stuff as possible to make room for all my new American flag shirts, my three new I Heart New York shirts and my who-knows-how-many FDNY shirts. It was hard getting rid of some of my favorites that I bought when your old man was President, all my Desert Storm and “Insane Saddam Hussein” T’s.

We sure did kick some tail over there, didn’t we? I wish I could have been there to see the look on all those Iraqi’s faces when we were flying over them and blowing away their little scud missiles. Anyway, I get rid of what I could and put away my new ones, but, you know what, I just didn’t think I had enough of them. Then I remembered that there was this new kiosk at the mall selling solely great USA shirts. Believe you me, I ran like the wind to the mall.

I picked out three or four great new shirts, all red, white, and blue, of course, and when I was done I headed over to the food court to get a slice at Sbarro. All that walking was making me tired, and before too long, I decided that I’d best take a rest on one of the benches.

I sat down on a bench, trying to catch my breath, right in front of a store called the Gap. I don’t know if you’ve heard of this place, but it’s a clothing store mostly for younger people. I was watching the young men and women going in and out with their purchases when something weird started to happen. I first thought I was just winded or that maybe my blood pressure was too high, but the more I watched, the more sure I was that something was really wrong.

And then it hit me. All the people in the store looked alike. Not just in the way that my old lady tells me I look like a bigger Dale Earnhart. I mean exactly the same. There were only two or three types of guys, but there were at least twelve of them in the store.

There were about four guys all wearing shirts too small for them, with real tan skin, short hair, and pretty muscular. Then about five of them were guys that were dressed nicer, wearing flip-flop sandals, and jeans (all the jeans were frayed the same at the bottom, too!). What was really amazing about the last three guys is that they all just followed a girl around the whole time, like they didn’t know where they were. It was like they were some kind of pet. I think they may have been retarded reject clones.

The girls were even more similar than the boys. There were only two types: really thin girls and really not-so-thin girls, but even then they all wore the same outfit, even the same size! It was too much. Of course, they tried to cover it up by wearing different colors of shirts, but they were the same style.

I think those people in the Gap are really up to something. They look pretty shady, sir, what with their little wireless headsets and all. You can believe I was out of that place in no time.

I think you know what this means, Mr. President. It’s over. They’ve already cloned humans, and they’re fully grown and walking among us. I don’t mean to scare you. Heck, I’m sure the FBI and CIA have briefed you on this already. I just think it is my job as a citizen of this country to let you know.

Good luck, and if you need anything, let me know. Hooray USA!

Sincerely,

P.L. O’Bryan

Patrick O’Bryan is a senior in English from Indianola.