The first column of the spring. Time to smell the flowers bloom, feel the warm rain fall and run through the fields barefoot in my straitjacket or with my baseball bat. Whatever works.

Home, Home With the Strange

Score another for the Texas Headcases – I mean, Rangers. The team that gave Alex Rodriguez the largest contract in sports history has definitely added more pieces of flair to their lineup this offseason.

With John Hart now running the show just outside of Big D, the door was left open for reforming hopefuls Carl Everett and John Rocker to make a name for themselves. Then comes the news that recently released outfielder Ruben Rivera will get a chance to redeem himself after being bounced from the New York Yankees for . robbery?

Rivera was dumped from the spring training squad after swiping a glove and bat from all-world shortstop Derek Jeter and selling them on the street for a reported $2,500.

This basically negated the one million-dollar contract that Rivera had signed in the offseason, settling for only a $200,000 buyout. (By the way, I think the team let him go for his stupidity in financial negotiations rather than his standards of morality.)

Last week, the Cleveland Indians, Hart’s former team, decided not to chance fate after having the 28-year-old meet with their team psychologist. That’s right, the guy that helps people decide whether to take happy pills or hug a tree.

Enter Hart and his new trio, “Superstar and the Second Chances,” to give this guy a tryout.

Who knows, maybe this doo-wop style quartet can bring something to the state where wildness is an understatement. However, I personally can’t wait to see who blows their gasket first.

Simply put, the moron-meter on John Hart is starting to exceed its limit. That’s OK, though. Things are bigger than life down there. I figure he’s just learning the way of the land.

Absurd Predictions

The madness of March will be over this weekend, meaning it’s time to wind down and prepare for the summer marathon that is the major league baseball regular season. First pitches will be thrown starting on Sunday, so what better way to bring in the season than with another helping of my absurdity?

O fabulous crystal ball, look inside your wondrous domain and give me hints to this season’s division winners.

AL East: Of course, the race will come down to Boston and New York, just like it has been forever and a day. The Yankees basically reloaded their arsenal for another run. However, so did the Red Sox. With a long-standing Pedro (a sad absurdity in itself) and an exorcised karma, the Beantowners take tops in the East.

AL Central: Cleveland has the pitching, while Chicago displays the steady defensive flair. Both sort of wash each other out offensively. Minnesota has the “still unknown” factor plus a new motive, sympathy. With a pitching staff that features four top-two rotation pitchers, my pick for top of the middle goes to those lovable Twinkies.

AL West: The Mariners, Athletics and Angels are all deserving. The only way to decide this outcome is by that decider of all time, “rock, paper, scissors”.

In the best three-out-of-five, the M’s get past the A’s, but the Halos prove to strong for both teams, hoisting the prize they’ve coveted for well over a decade.

NL East: This division is as deep as the Atlantic Ocean, with four possible contenders. So who wins it all?

None other than the Montreal Expos, the farm club that disguises itself as a major-league team.

Vladimir Guerrero, Javier Vazquez and Fernando Tatis will put on the ultimate shows for the scouts, propelling their squad to immortal-men like status by winning their first and only full-season division title.

NL Central: The two front-running thoroughbreds here come out of Houston and St. Louis. Actually, I don’t believe I’ve seen the city of Houston showcase any kind of horse. The Cardinals play in the city of Anheuser-Busch, home of the Clydesdales.

Based on that argument and their very talented lineup, the advantage goes to the Cards.

NL West: What could be better? A lineup that includes the defending champs, the reigning home run king, a stadium one mile up in the air and one of the most overpriced teams in baseball. Should I give overlooked San Diego a chance? Nah.

This will come down to the last day when Barry Bonds will connect on home runs 51 and 52 to lift his Giants over Houston and beat out the Diamondbacks for division gold.

That leads me to my preseason World Series showdown pick.

This year will be known as the Contraction Series when the Expos and Twins fight to the death of their franchises. Funny thing is, the winners will be losers as well.

Go figure and play ball!

Jonathan Lowe is a senior in meteorology from Kansas City, Mo.