I’ve got a critical-thinking exercise for everyone this week. You can be Tom Cruise. Now create a comprehensive list of things that would make you divorce Nicole Kidman.

If you, like myself, came up with a list consisting solely of the words “mind control” underlined, italicized and bolded, you’ll be pleased to know that the French government has taken the next step in shutting down what it perceives to be the source of that mind control – the Church of Scientology. By the way, if you put “Tom Cruise is gay,” you lose, because he’ll be suing you soon.

I should mention something. I am not a Scientologist. You may have noticed that I’m not a celebrity, I’ve not reached any level of clear, and I don’t worship graven images of L. Ron Hubbard. These things are true, but I do own “Dianetics,” and I consider it one of the funniest books ever written.

When it comes down to it, I own one Bible, and I own one Bible of Scientology. I’ve seen “Battlefield Earth” three and a half times, and the films “Ben-Hur,” “The Ten Commandments,” and “King of Kings” combined only once.

In fact, I’m even credited as appearing in the animated series of “Battlefield Earth” on the Internet Movie Database. So maybe I’m biased, based on the apparent religious fervor I was entirely unaware of, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Scientology is a religion, as much as Christianity, Judaism, Islam or any of your popular religions.

The most hilarious thing is the way France has phrased its accusations. It accused the Church of Scientology of “mental manipulation” and demanding large donations to the church in exchange for results. They sound like great reasons to shut it down, right?

It looks like France hit the nail right on the head. But don’t those things practically ensure that it SHOULD be considered a religion? It’s not like your standard textbook religions are turning away donations at the door. There are still religions in this country that insist on tithing and active participation within the church.

If you don’t believe me, apply to Brigham Young University. Unless your family has been active or you happen to be a tremendous offensive lineman, you’re going to be waiting a long time for that acceptance letter.

That’s the right of a religion. All of the churches I’ve ever heard of gather some sort of donations, and even if they didn’t pass the collection plate, they’d expect me to give them my time. Every time I get the collection plate passed to me, I’m going to feel some obligation to give, no matter what church I’m attending.

Does this mean I’m being manipulated? Sure does. But then again, I’m mentally manipulated by every person I speak to and every person on campus wearing any sort of corporate clothing, which basically means all of us. Tomorrow, odds are, I’ll have a nice list of people writing in to manipulate the minds of others into thinking I should be fired or crucified, depending on your position in the community.

Particularly in a legal sense, this case is ludicrous. Black’s Law Dictionary defines a religion as “a system of faith and worship usually involving belief in a supreme being and usually containing a moral or ethical code.” So whether or not you think there’s any legitimacy to the Church of Scientology, legally, it’s as religious as you get.

So basically, we’ve got a group of people who believe something and a country that wants to stop them. I think I’ve seen that before. Except in this global village, the Scientologists can’t even find catacombs.

Say what you will about the Church of Scientology engaging in mental manipulation. I’ll believe it when I see it. Once they start recruiting the sad, poor and lonely on college campuses like every other religious group in the world, then we’ll talk about it.

The fact that they convinced John Travolta to be in a bad movie doesn’t demonstrate much of a movement. He’s been begging to be manipulated all his life. Keep in mind, he was in all three “Look Who’s Talking” movies. I have the utmost respect for people who are willing to take a stand on their religious views, even if I think their religion is full of crackpots.

Scientologists are just like you and I, except they seem to be a lot wealthier. Looks like that Church of Scientology isn’t doing too well with its mental manipulation after all, because their donations are pretty lousy. Tom Cruise is still rich, and he’s still not signed on for “Battlefield Earth 2: A Saga of Trying to Recoup Expenses.”

This is a manipulative world. Just because some church wants me to join isn’t a problem. Just because someone somewhere is wearing a Creed T-shirt, am I going to be manipulated into having bad taste?

France, it’s time to grow up. This sounds like something John Ashcroft would do.

Tim Kearns is a senior in political science from Bellevue, Neb.