As you know, it’s just one week from Valentine’s Day. That’s just enough time for you lovers to do all the wonderful Valentine things like sniffing fresh roses and eating dark chocolates and making the rest of us feel as wanted as an anthrax infection. Of course, I’m not bitter, although it seems like every time I’m about to hit it off with somebody, something like this happens:

ME: So, you want to go on a date?

GIRL: Yes! I’d love.what the, OH NOOOOOO!

CROWS: (all 12,000) Caw! Caw!

Really. I’ve experienced this situation a lot – minus the whole “Girl” character. Actually, I want to talk about crows, not Valentine’s Day. Maybe you are still reading this column hoping it has the answer to your romantic woes. You idiot. What you really should be doing is using this newspaper to shield yourself from the crows’ fecal bombardment.

Well, I’ve had it with these crows laying waste to our sidewalks and loved ones. It is time to ask the critical question that every human being asks after being pooped on day after day by remorseless, coldhearted creatures: How can we get rid of the Iowa Board of Regents?

Crows, I mean. How do we get rid of the crows? So far, we’ve tried to put up balloons and noisemakers, which scare the crows away long enough for them to reload – about 0.2 seconds, if I count correctly. So last week I talked to Dennis Erickson, manager of campus services, to see if any progress was being made in the war against crows.

Never have I been prouder to be a Cyclone than when he said that a 60,000-watt laser had recently been tested on the crows – with promising results.

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve taken Physics 222, but I’m pretty sure we learned that 60,000 of anything is enough to disintegrate incoming ICBMs, never mind crows. To my dismay, though, Erickson informed me that the laser, in fact, only “disrupts [the crows] . It doesn’t hurt them at all.” Suspecting a cover up here, I asked why lethal measures weren’t being taken. He claimed that certain people, such as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, would not approve of them killing crows.

It shouldn’t take a genius to figure out now why these evil crows are allowed to thrive on our campus. Our administration – surprise, surprise – has caved in to yet another wealthy special interest group. I can just imagine the millions and millions of PETA dollars that fill the coffers of the ISU Foundation. And I’m willing to bet that President Gregory “Crow” Geoffroy has been accepting more than his fair share of PETA money, t-shirts, coasters and bobble-head dolls to keep his mouth shut, which would explain why the crows are always flocking to the Knoll.

We can’t let some wacko group like PETA dictate our crow policy. Now before you PETA folk get defensive, I’ll have you know that I believe in “ethical treatment” of animals, such as using nonexplosive ammunition when squirrel hunting. But, as a famous man once said, “The right for a crow to poop ends where my Gap sweater begins.”

When I signed the form indicating that I would be a student at “Iowa State University of Science and Technology,” I did it with the implicit understanding that this “science and technology” would be used for noble purposes, such as vaporizing filthy animals that seek to destroy our way of life. If I wanted to go to a sissy liberal school that held “Save the Swedish Pygmy Goat” rallies everyday, I would’ve stayed in Iowa City. Yet Iowa City at least has the guts to take lethal measures against its deer population, despite the fact that deer have starred in many Disney movies.

And here we are, too crippled by the PETA lobby to exact vengeance on animals whose acting credits are limited to Alfred Hitchcock’s, “The Birds” and rainy funeral scenes.

Now I’m not some fanatic who just wants to see the crows blown out of the sky with a high-powered laser. I’d definitely settle for using flamethrowers or even tasers. Reader Kevin Roy Brandt suggested that GSB purchase shotguns for students to rent for crow-defense. Great idea, Kevin, but by the time GSB gets through all the motions, bylaws and speechmaking necessary for them to decide on the correct spelling of “shotgun,” we’ll all be nose deep in crow crap.

It’s just too bad we can’t be as assertive as Chatham-Ontario, a town in Canada that decided to hold crow-shooting contests to take care of its bird problem. How much worse can it get than to have Canada, a nation that has all the military readiness of sponge cake, be better than us at eliminating crows?

I’m just a humble journalist, but I’m willing to devote my life to stopping the crows. Someone has to stop being spineless around here. If we let the crows and crow lobby poop on us today, it won’t be long before the Canadians and Iowa Hawkeyes invade our homes and enslave us. We can’t let that happen; we must be unified.

Even though I can hear the crows making their evil clamor, I have no fear that we will . hey, what’s that by my window? Caw! Caw!

Dan Nguyen is a senior in computer engineering and journalism and mass communication from Iowa City.