I want an Olympic medal. It doesn’t have to be made of gold; it can be made of aluminum for all I care, like a pop can on a string. But I still think I deserve one.

Just a little medal to show my friends. To bring out on a rainy day as a conversation piece.

The way they seem to be giving them out these days, I think I can get one too.

Complain a little, invent a new sport. It wouldn’t take much.

Anything to feel that bright, shiny medal hanging around my neck.

The Russians filed a handwritten protest because they thought their figure skater, Irina Slutskaya, should be given a second gold medal in the women’s figure skating competition (American Sarah Hughes was awarded the prize).

Slutskaya’s performance was boring – a bunch of hand motions and a few jumps. Madonna could have done better and did with her “vogue” stylings.

I would fall a lot, but at least I’d fall with style.

I don’t see why there should be a problem in giving me one.

In light of this, the International Olympics Committee and its president, Jacques Rogge, will be receiving my official protest soon:

Dear Mr. Rogge,

I’m writing to inform you of the horrible injustice committed against myself and my country, the United States of America.

Please note: My protest is typed, unlike the handwritten protest you received from my Russian counterparts.

I have not been given a medal that is rightfully mine.

I assure you, this is because of no fault of my own. I may not have been in Salt Lake City, but I wanted to be there. I really did.

I put the fault on you, Mr. Rogge, for not letting me know when the trials were taking place and making me aware of the details on becoming an Olympian.

Why didn’t you tell me? I would have represented the United States with honor.

You know, Mr. Rogge, I’m an athlete. I’ve swept most of my life. I’m really a sweeper at heart.

Those kitchen floors prepared me for the life of curling. Lots of sweeping, a little ice (perfect for someone living in Iowa); I can do that.

Please, Mr. Rogge, give me a medal in curling.

And if that’s not good enough for you, there’s always the possibility of starting a new event, sledding.

No, not the luge or the bobsled, but an inner tube.

My inner tube and I can beat anyone to the bottom of the hill; we sled with the best of them.

Or if you need something more extreme, how about head-first on a food-service tray?

Add a little Crisco to the bottom and those things really fly.

I urge you to reconsider not putting me on the medal stand.

If this unfairness is not corrected soon, I will be forced to boycott the next Winter Olympic games.

Italy will never see my great curling techniques or experience the joy of an inner tube.

I ask that you please consider my protest and get back to me right away. I’m giving you 24 hours to address my request.

If I don’t hear from you by then, I will be forced to begin training to take over your job.

I assure you, I will get my medal eventually.

Emily Arthur is a junior in journalism and mass communications from Clark, S.D. She is the assistant sports editor of the Daily.