Even though I’m well down the path to law school, I understand now why people hate lawyers. I finally understand why people think they’re despicable, spineless rats with the morals of child molesters. Why? It’s because people are stupid – extraordinarily stupid.

It should be apparent that everyone would want a lawyer by now. For instance, without a lawyer, one can go to amusement parks, have successful personal relationships with friends, and enjoy life.

With a lawyer, one can do the following: lie to Congress. Barring that, one can at least evade all of Congress’ questions about the potential for billions of dollars worth of fraud.

Right now, Enron executive Jeffrey Skilling should be a poster boy for the American Bar Association. I can see it now. “The American Bar Association: We’re obligated to defend even this guy.” His attorney did well, probably instructing him for hours on which meetings and discussion he didn’t recall, as Skilling claimed 19 times during his testimony to Congress. Only those experienced with the law can appreciate the minutiae that separate honest testimony from not quite dishonest testimony.

It’s not really fair to nit pick at such statements, though. Considering the exhausting lifestyle of corporate executives, one could easily forget things like exaggerating your profits by $1 billion. Just picture the agonizing life of fitting in a few board meetings into your frantic schedule of sitting still, while becoming immensely richer every minute. If you consider how hard some people have to work to make any money, you can tell that making that much has to be exhausting, even if it looks like you’re just sitting still.

So who can blame Skilling? Forgetfulness afflicts all of us, even me. Since I started writing this column, I forgot the precise cost of a double cheeseburger during the frantic effort of figuring out if I have that much left at this point in the semester.

When does the ability to not recall things start being good for you? If I answered an essay test on any topic besides Ronald Reagan with a series of twelve “I don’t recall” essays, I’d not only be guaranteed an F but a historic distinction as the worst student of all time.

In comparison, I miss good old-fashioned lying. I’d much rather deal with a straight-out lie than an “I don’t recall.” I have a simple challenge to the next corporate CEO. Lie to me, I won’t believe you, neither will the media, but at least it’s a tacit declaration of the truth. In some existential way, you lying is telling the truth in the mode of not being the truth. When you claim to not recall, we automatically have to assume not only that you are guilty, but that while you were defrauding Enron investors, you were also selling weapons to the Iranians.

People should have learned their lesson from Reagan’s experience with the Tower Commission and Iran-Contra. He lied or at least successfully evaded the truth, and he was voted in a ridiculously short-sighted poll as America’s finest president last President’s Day. Considering that Clinton ranked in the top five as well, it’s clear that lying to Congress and grand juries is something Americans simply can’t get enough of.

Skilling’s only real mistake was scheduling the congressional hearings during the mid day hours, which are rarely big winners in TV ratings.

With a good prime-time slot, he could have endorsement deals in no time.

Everyone would want him. Suits could claim that they make even the bankrupt look like billionaires, deodorant can claim to keep him dry even during the most brutal questioning by Congress.

But, now with his testimony passed, it’s clear Skilling’s missed his window of opportunity, and his 15 minutes of fame have passed. Since he didn’t even have the decency to just flat-out lie to us, or give us the truth, it’s almost certain the bankruptcy will sink him to the level of the homeless.

I’d expect to see him collecting cans on Central Campus any day now.

Or, more likely, he’ll escape unscathed, comfortably protected by his separation from the company at its official time of death and by his money that talks to so many congressional campaigns every two years. He should see this end coming, so there’s no reason to stay silent. It’s time for Enron to start talking. It’s time to have Congress get to the bottom of this and give Enron the huge, massive, agonizing slap on the wrist that they’ll inherently get.

It’s time for Jeffrey Skilling to give Congress the truth, whether they can handle it or not. After hours of testimony, I’d like to hear the truth. Even after listening to hours of Enron testimony, that’s something that I don’t recall.

Tim Kearns is a senior in political science from Bellevue, Neb.