“Georgia Tech, stung a month ago by revelations that former coach George O’Leary lied on his r‚sum‚, admitted Monday it had released false information about its newly hired defensive coordinator.”

– Associated Press

“Georgia Tech made another embarrassing revelation Tuesday night, admitting that a second assistant football coach had an error in his school-released biography.”

– Associated Press

After reading these stories, I’ve decided to come clean.

The questionnaires and fill-outs that you, internship coordinators and editors, have sent me contained some inaccuracies.

I’m sorry for this. I have crossed out the embellishments below. Please make a note of it.

If the inaccuracies don’t affect my chances for the internship, return my r‚sum‚, clips and autobiography to its original place: buried 42 spots down in the rejection pile.

Sincerely,

Paul Kix

Name: Paul “Big Papa” Kix

Age: Only 21

Sex: As if you needed to ask. I’m an Alpha-Male, man.

Are you married? Hell no. Tomcat on the prowl, baby.

Why do you think you deserve this internship? I’m a hard worker. But let’s quit with the false modesty. This is your chance to hire a Pulitzer-prize winning reporter.

Do you have experience working professionally or working at a previous internship? What sort of garbled question is that? Let’s see, I spent last summer doing a television internship. Spent this fall working for the Paris Bureau of the New York Times, their expense. (I recommend a slightly chilled 1961 Chateau Lafitte-Rothschild when dining on the Left Bank.) And I’ve been announced as Ty Tryon’s biographer – the 17 year old kid on the PGA Tour.

What jobs have you held in the past? I painted my grandpa’s barn in high school. Two summers ago, because of my in with Dennis Rodman, I was his personal bartender. A quick side note: One night, Dennis invited Carmen Electra (they were fooling around then) and two of her Playbunny friends over. Let me tell ya.’

(I decided to use White-Out here. Saves time.)

What journalism classes have you taken? More like, which ones have I taught. All required.

Do you enjoy reading books? Yes, when I’m not writing them.

Have you won any awards in the past? Hell yes. I took home the Iowa State Daily sports department’s highly esteemed yet reprehensibly egotistical Ricky Henderson Award, which is given to the reporter who refers to himself the most in third person – Paul Kix don’t write whatever Paul Kix don’t want to write. Other than that, nothing much.

If you could, describe for us your writing style: It’s pretty much like this: I’m an amalgam of Hemingway’s terseness, Wolfe’s stream of conscience and Wilde’s British wit, though I’m actually Scottish.

If given this internship, could you perform under the pressure the editors’ place on their reporters? Of course. My prose is smoother than Wilt Chamberlain at a nightclub, richer than Tony Siragusa in the kitchen, funnier than the CEO’s opening joke. I’m a freakin’ genius, I mean just

(Again with the White-Out. I’m sorry about this.)

What sort of references do you have? I know at least one person in every department, in every bureau, at the Chicago Tribune. I don’t know if this is the place to mention this, but I’m also the grandson of Red Smith, whom you no doubt know as the Greatest Sports Columnist Ever. I also trade emails with Stephen King. Keeps him up to date.

Describe for us your working relationship with your peers: I work with the biggest bunch of

(Hey, I may not get the internship. But I wanna keep my job.)

Paul Kix is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Hubbard.