Normally, I have to write this column quickly – this column being the last before Finals Week.

Not any more.

I’ve developed a study guide for sports fans – a way to watch or read or think about things you enjoy while accomplishing things you may not.

Here are some examples highlighting my program’s strength:

That English final’s coming up. But before you have to rhetorically analyze anything, remember this: English professors like big words.

My advice: Listen to Howard Cosell.

The former ABC broadcaster used words like “capricious” and “erudite” and “wont” in his play-by-play vernacular, with a style drifting between laconic and insouciant. And often sounding off the charts pedantic.

Sorry, I just finished my English paper.

(Side note: I was watching NFL Films the other day and Cosell once told Films’ Steve Sabol he should quit making all those movies about football.

He should make movies about something more important. Sabol asked Cosell what sort he should make and Cosell said, “You should make a movie about me.”

Could be a good topic for your 12-page paper on The Development of the Human Ego.)

I don’t know much about math; that’s why I go to class on the east side of campus. But let’s say you’re worried about your Engineering 577 final.

You needn’t be, friend.

If you can explain the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) point system, you can pass the test.

Apparently 1+1=3 because Nebraska beat out the team that beat it in the regular season.

So if you can explain the BCS to some right-brained student – like an art or music or graphic design major – or even worse, a journalism major – you’re sure to ace that engineering test.

For a history test, there’s a lot of history to remember.

My study guide says: Super-impose the body of a sports figure with the name of a historical one.

For instance, Genghis Khan, whose name roughly means, “The Universal Emperor,” was the Mongolian leader in the late 12th and early 13th century who came to rule most of Asia by killing anyone in his path who failed to surrender and by burning entire cities, and their populaces, to the ground.

Genghis Khan, you’re George Steinbrenner.

The Yankees owner hasn’t killed anyone yet, but New York did lose the World Series this year.

Henry VIII, you’re Bobby Knight.

And as much as it pains me to say this, Napoleon, you’re former Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy – but only because you’re both short.

I love Jeff Van Gundy. He’s ugly; he’s balding; he dresses poorly. But he only cares about winning. He wasn’t; that’s why he resigned. Real coach’s coach.

I should really find another Napoleon.

Wait a minute. You know what?

This is for your memory, not my taste.

Napoleon, you’re Jeff Van Gundy.

For you vet med students, when you think there is simply too much information to take in about the horse’s heart, consider this: Secretariat, the 1973 Triple Crown winner, had a heart twice the average size.

Wanna bone up on something contemporary before studying for philosophy?

Read Yogi Berra.

In the next edition of Philosophy 101, I say the former Yankee’s teachings should be in the chapter following Nietzsche’s.

Just look at these lines of enlightenment:

“You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”

“Baseball is 90 percent mental; the other half is physical.”

“Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.”

Someone once asked what time it was, and the metaphysical Berra responded, “You mean, now?”

When you’re having trouble remembering key concepts, the best thing to do is to turn your study guide into a song.

Let’s say you don’t have much time to study for psychology.

No problem.

Set to the ISU fight song, you’ll be sure to score well.

Oh we will start with Freud, he liked the sex/ But his theories had no proof/

Horney was the first feminist/ And Jung often dreamt of dung/ Pew! Pew! Pew!/

Adler said we are unique/ George Kelly, Oh so chic!/

And Pavlov’s dog would salivate/ Before he ate/ If bell was rung!

Paul Kix is a junior in journalism and mass communications from Hubbard.