Welcome, friends, to the First Annual Golden Mullet Award Show.

The Golden Mullet pits two old yet successful athletes against each other in categories in which sports and Americana do the salsa.

The winner of each category is given a point.

The athlete with the most points at the end wins the Golden Mullet.

The twist in tonight’s show comes from the presenter, Molly Ringwald – whose career has seen no longevity, and done nothing in the way of profit since “The Breakfast Club.”

Molly is here as a public showing of humiliation.

And humiliation equals ratings.

Molly, do you have anything to say?

Fu – OK. Thank you very much, Molly.

I believe you were sitting in section Mediocre, right next to the Boston Celtics.

Moving on, tonight Randy Johnson, 38, of the Arizona Diamondbacks and Doug Flutie, 39, of the San Diego Chargers vie for the Golden Mullet.

It ought to be a good match-up.

Johnson won 21 games this season, and his nine inning shutout in Game 2 of the World Series last week turned “Johnson versus Yankees” into “Johnson versus Devil Rays.”

Flutie’s Chargers are 5-2 this year. Not bad. Last year, San Diego went 1-15.

Flutie’s as short as Johnson is tall. Johnson’s as ugly as Flutie is handsome.

Well, no.

Johnson’s way uglier than Flutie is handsome.

But rather than delve further into the semantics of these faces, lets just see who wins the Golden Locks.

It works out nicely that these athletes sport, or sported, mullets. Naturally, tonight’s first category is: If I Ever Have to Wear a Tattered “Ramones” Shirt, Whose Mullet Would I Prefer Clinging to the Back of It?

Randy Johnson’s has remained the same length for years, while Doug Flutie’s has been trimmed and may currently not even constitute a mullet.

Flutie’s has seen commercial success with his telephone advertisements.

Not exactly exuding the anti-establishment message punk bands died their hair green for in the `80’s.

Winner: Johnson.

Pay attention now. Our second category, “I Would Rather . ” can become confusing.

For this category, our esteemed panel of judges were asked to think of a metaphor after the opening phrase “I Would Rather,” aptly describing how menacing each athlete is.

(Example: I Would Rather Clean My Ears with Broken Glass Than Face Randy Johnson’s Fastball.)

An explanation for this category isn’t needed. The better metaphor simply wins.

Johnson’s reads: I Would Rather Let Mike Tyson Babysit My Children Than Face Randy Johnson’s Chin Music.

Very nice.

Flutie’s reads: We Tried. But Doug Flutie is not menacing.

OK judges.

Winner: Johnson.

Our third category is: Most Suitable Sport for Athlete Other than Current One.

Doug Flutie’s is horseracing, as a jockey.

Johnson’s is also horseracing.

Winner: Flutie.

What 6-11 horse do you think Flutie will ride?

Our fourth category is: Musical Interest.

Johnson’s old enough to appreciate The Doobie Brothers.

Flutie plays drums for The Flutie Brothers.

Winner: Johnson.

Doobie Brothers rule.

Our fifth and final category tonight is festive: Who Had the Better Halloween Costume?

Randy Johnson didn’t wear one. He was on the bench, spitting tobacco on Luis Gonzalez’s feet during Game 4 of the `Series.

Flutie went as Randy Johnson.

Winner: Flutie.

Shrewd move.

Johnson face isn’t deeply lined as much as it’s devoted. devoted like John Daly’s been playing through.

Toss in the Wyatt Earp mustache inches above the Scowl That Never Ends, and you don’t have a Halloween mask; you have a weapon that’ll scare bin Laden out of his bunker.

I’m being told Ms. Ringwald will not be presenting the Golden Mullet, so I’ll do so myself.

By a decision of 3-2, Randy Johnson wins the First Annual Golden Mullet.

Randy, c’mon up and claim your stardom.

Thank you for watching.

Join us next year, when we change the name of the award show to The First Annual Shiny, Baldheaded Award Show to accommodate Michael Jordan’s foreseen dominance.

Paul Kix is a junior in journalism and mass communications from Hubbard.