Wow, did I gorge myself on Thanksgiving. I cannot remember ever eating so much. Iowa State has done its best in squelching my hunger pains into an affinity for bread and water. So when the Thanksgiving feast came around, it was a battle between my pea-sized stomach and the Himalayas of food.

I think I ate too much. I realized this might be the case when gravy was leaking out of my belly button. I then took on a wave of cold sweats as my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I was transported to fields of daisies. I could not escape my excessive eating habits in those wonderful fields. Rolling about as a 600-pound behemoth, my stomach preceded to explode. I quickly snapped out of it and found myself back at the table, with an intact stomach.

Thanks to bread and water it was as if I consumed four 20-pound birds for dinner. My pea-sized stomach interpreted the large plate of food that I ate as an entire family of turkeys. This was not the only time my stomach walked the battlefields of Europe. Many times over Thanksgiving break I indulged myself in gorgeous feasts of actual food. Imagine my excitement of actual food. I thought that nothing existed outside of bread and water. My taste buds were erupting with long-lost memories over the brilliances of food. Even now, remembering those moments breaks me out into a sweat-induced fever.

My taste buds are in disarray. My stomach doesn’t know what to do after feasting. Half of the time, my stomach would like to join my taste buds in disarray. The other half wishes to close shop for a few months.

With all of this internal bleeding, my brain still managed to function. The brain, being one of the few organs to escape the expansion of food in my gut, decided to go shopping. What better way to work off 50,000 calories than to go Christmas shopping? Since my stomach is full and will be full for about 2 months, I decided to use my $5 food money on Christmas shopping.

What a marvelous idea. Gorging has provided me a way to partake in the spirit of giving. No more lying on the street corner in self pity with a “will work for food” sign. Nope, not me. Now I will wear an “I just gorged myself on Thanksgiving and don’t have to eat for 2 months so I am Christmas shopping” sign as I go about purchasing numerous gifts with my $5. All of the walking around should definitely dissolve half of my just consumed 50,000 calories. The other half will be stored up for the two months of fasting.

There are only 26 more shopping days until Christmas. Good thing I had decided to run so that I would be sure to finish my shopping. After all, one cannot be out on Christmas Eve shopping for gifts. Oh no, my shopping was going to be done before December even arrived. Imagine that! Not only was I able to use my money that was saved up from gorging myself, but I also finished my Christmas shopping before the final week of November!

However, there was one problem that my brain did not anticipate. My brain forgot to mention that running would burn up all of my thousands of calories that were consumed in the Thanksgiving feast. Maybe my brain did not truly escape the expansion of my stomach.

Or maybe before the dreaded feast was exhumed from my body it surged an attack on my brain before fading into nothingness. So much for feeling fat. That’s OK, there’s always bread and water.

Jason Bruen is a senior in engineering operations from Lake Bluff, IL.