Eat-N-Write is the Daily’s bi-monthly food review column, written by two college students, Zach Calef and Tim Paluch, on the lookout for affordable meals under $10. Despite what they may write, they are not actual food critics and their culinary expertise is little to none. All restaurants reviewed are local, non-chain establishments.

“Eat ‘N Write” is supposed to be reviews of restaurants college students can afford. In the past we’ve visited such restaurants in all parts of Ames. For the latest installment, though, we thought, “what’s more affordable and convenient than good ol’ residence hall food service?” Everyone remembers food service, the place where you met your friends freshman year, where food-throwing and picking on those under you on the popularity totem pole were the norm. So we posed as dormies, checked our maturity at the door and ventured to Friley Hall for dinner – food service style.

Restaurant Atmosphere

Tim: I hadn’t been to food service since the days of cold meat, stale pretzels and brown lettuce at Towers two years ago, so I was anxious to rekindle those tasty memories. We walked in, paid and were herded through the buffet-style area where we could choose from several main courses. Then we walked out into the massive dining area to get the rest of our meal and beverages. We found a seat right in front of the sneeze guard-protected salad bar.

Zach: This was the first time for me at food service, so I was a little nervous. I must admit, I had rather low expectations the minute I walked into the giant cafeteria because it was so cold. After we got our food we sat at this massive six-person table right next to the salad bar.

The best part of the atmosphere was the view. I’ve never seen so many beautiful women in one room.

Tim: I’m surprised Zach even remembered what the dining area looked like, considering his eyes weren’t usually fixed on the tables or the salad bar. In addition to the temperature being less than what I’d want at a usual eating establishment, it was quite loud. When Zach would so eloquently say “look at that one, ugh .” I had trouble hearing him. Although that might be a good thing.

Zach: As you can tell, Timothy has a girlfriend. So his babbling is just a lame attempt to please his loved one. But Tim is right, the place was ridiculously loud. I had to keep repeating myself whenever I had to tell Tim about possible soulmates.

Tim: Sure, it was cold and loud. And sure, the company wasn’t all that great. But that’s what food service is all about. It’s a big high school cafeteria for bigger high school students. It reminded me of my first two years at Iowa State, which I fully enjoyed. Pure reminiscing alone gets a thumbs up for me.

Zach: Of course you enjoyed your first two years – you were on your own for the first time. But that does not mean this place was nice, at all.

In fact, I am a bit disturbed with your bias when it comes to truly reviewing eating establishments. All I can say is the best thing about the place was the conveyor belt you put your dirty dishes on. Thumbs down.

Service

Tim: The term “food service” itself is deceiving. It implies that there is actually some service that comes along with the food (The term “food” is debatable as well, but that’s a tree I’m not climbing.) There’s no service here; I did everything but cook the food myself.

I made my plate, I cleaned up after myself and I refilled my drink when needed. Come to think of it, they should have tipped me at the end of the meal. Thumbs down for me.

Zach: I agree. The closest thing to servers were the two guys and a girl standing up against the wall staring at Tim. There was absolutely no service; I wouldn’t even say the cooking was of service. What do people who don’t cook actually do at this place? Thumbs down.

Food Quality

Tim: If you don’t have a meal plan, it’s going to cost you $7 for a meal. The choices are different every night so you have three or four entrees to pick from before realizing you aren’t going to be able to digest any of them and end up ordering Jimmy John’s. My first time up, I got a bacon cheeseburger, onion rings, deviled eggs, broccoli, half an apple and cauliflower cheese soup.

Zach: I was scared when I first saw the food, but I eventually grew the courage to eat. I started off with the so-called “bacon cheeseburger,” two deviled eggs, steak fries, onion rings (which proved to be a life-saver) and a piece of white cake with strawberry frosting.

Tim: My burger was missing something – taste. I tried ketchup and mustard, but that just made it taste like ketchup and mustard. The broccoli was cold and tasted like it was made out of rubber, but with the exception of that, the side dishes were decent. On my second attempt for an edible entree I got the sweet and sour pork, a poor attempt at Asian food, but quite good nonetheless – chunks of pork, pineapples, carrots, celery and green peppers served over rice. It somewhat saved the meal.

Zach: OK, where do I start? The deviled eggs didn’t give me food poisoning, which was surprising. God knows how long they were sitting out. And the bacon cheeseburger was terrible. It didn’t help that it was so cold. I swear my nipples hardened as I ate it.

And how about those steak fries? Not bad, if I wanted a baked potato. The things were huge and they didn’t even remotely taste as if they were fried, which would be an essential part of cooking fries.

The onion rings, though, were all right. However, because of the other food, I was forced to eat three bowls, and I don’t even like onions. And I would give credit to whoever made the cake, but it’s pretty hard to mess up sugar and flour.

Tim: Food service was exactly how I remembered it – mass produced food at its finest. If I’m a student with seven extra dollars, food service is a decent option. It’s convenient, you don’t pay cash at every meal and you have a wide array of choices at your disposal.

I haven’t eaten a meal that balanced in a while. That being said, I also haven’t eaten food that bad in a while. By the time I was finished I remembered why I moved out of the dorms in the first place. Food service is a lot like binge drinking – once in a while it’s good, but eat it on a daily basis and your system’s gonna give. A close call, but thumbs down for me.

Zach: Yeah Tim, real close call. I didn’t exactly appreciate it when I had to pick through the Jell-O to find a cube without yoke from the deviled eggs on it. I feel bad for any student forced to eat in such an environment every day. Women in the dorms, if you would like I can save you. Just let me know when you are fed up with this place and I will make you dinner. Thumbs down, big time.