I have more DVDs than you do. I can guarantee your DVD collection is a faucet drop compared to my tsunami collection.

In this collection, there are DVDs that most of the known world has never heard of.

The black market or your local Best Buy can supply you with countless titles of DVDs with unrecognizable titles. The last time this tsunami collection was counted, I gave up around 41. My brain does not waste time with insignificant information such as numbers.

The only thing that one needs to know is that my DVD collection is big. And it is only getting bigger.

My addiction must be fed by constant spending on DVDs. Most of the wide spectrum of titles will never be viewed. Nor will they be opened. I have them and that is all that counts.

Every day I go online looking for more DVDs. My day does not end unless I have purchased at least 2 DVDs. My quest of amassing my DVD collection started about 4 years ago.

Four years ago I met my master and ruler of the known universe – Bill Gates, or Master Gates as formal titles go. Master Gates gave a passionate speech to millions of Americans on the social value of our culture – consumption.

“Consumption is the true progress of the human race,” he said. “To go about life content with only a $60,000 car and a $1.4 million house is not enough. You must consume. Consume, consume, consume, consume.”

And so, with a speech that would inspire people to fight tanks with jelly beans, our quest began.

Master Gates preached that consumption of DVDs would get us on the good side of God. But to unlock the keys of heaven, more consumption was needed such as complimenting this consumption with cold, thirst quenching crude oil and chain smoking.

How sweet the music is to my ears. At last, someone has come to save our souls. I promise, Master Gates, to build a DVD collection like no other. Oh how I please God.

My daily crude oil consumption is up to 3 whole barrels and I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day. Sometimes I think my body could possibly not take anymore consumption.

But as Master Gates told us, there is no place in the world for starving people.

Thus we must consume. God forgives the starving people of the world and so does Master Gates.

Thus we consume in their name for all the people that cannot consume. Some day the people will appreciate what we have done.

Our work is never done. Master Gates has so much wisdom to tell us. His preaching does not stop with DVDs. Every year, he inspires armies to build temples of gold to God. God appreciates all the gifts we give Him and the buildings we build in His name.

Master Gates’ teachings state that God is like the starving people of the world. God cannot acquire the things that we can, thus we must also consume for God. We also give God many shiny things made of diamonds and gold. Countless barrels of oil are sacrificed to the almighty God so that we may appease Him.

We must be careful. There have been times when we have ignored God’s word. Master Gates has lectured numerous times about the happiness of God. “Happiness of God is the reason we are here. We are the only ones that can bring happiness to God.

Without our consumption, God would be a depressed man.” Master Gates’ words still ring in my ears today. Therefore, we must pay close attention to what God is saying.

He is constantly telling us the many ways in which we can make him happy, but we are not always listening.

There is hope. Master Gates has written a new set of holy scriptures that will allow us to better communicate with God. Master Gates’ new holy scriptures, Windows XP, allows us to directly connect to God.

We place a USB cable into our head and all of God’s holy words ring throughout the rooms of our minds. Now we will know how God wishes us to expand to build His holy temples of gold.

The high priests of Master Gates tell us what God wishes, and we obey. The utmost rule we must follow is to obey God. To obey God and earn our rightful place in heaven, we must consume.

A large collection of DVDs, massive amounts of oil consumption, and chain smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day is necessary for entrance into heaven. Windows XP is the new form of communication where God will tell us if our consumption appeases Him.

That is a nice Lexus you have.

But my DVD collection is light years ahead of yours, and that is all God cares about.

Jason Bruen is a senior in engineering operations from Lake Bluff, IL.